by Joe Buonfiglio (No, I’m NOT Holly, goddamn it!)
First came the “Seven Wonders of the Ancient World”: the Great Pyramid of Giza; the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; the statue of Zeus at Olympia; the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus; the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus; the Colossus of Rhodes; and the Lighthouse of Alexandria. And while some argue whether or not Stonehenge should be thrown in there; these tend to be universally considered your classic Big 7.
Of course, then the United Nations had to go and screw it all up by polling for the NEW Seven Wonders of the World. The winners: the Great Wall of China; the Petra in Jordan; the Colosseum in Rome; the Chichen Itza in Mexico; the Machu Picchu of Peru; India’s Taj Mahal; and Brazil’s “Christ the Redeemer” in Rio de Janeiro. Egypt’s Giza Necropolis including the Great Pyramid is given an honorable mention being that it is the only surviving member of the Seven Ancient Wonders Club, but that’s just because people felt sorry for it.
But, my friends, I’m here to tell you that “ancient” or “new,” they’re all so much yesterday’s news that your kindergartener is using it to make paper-mache crafts as some crappy Thanksgiving gift for the grandparents. HERE are the newest, the true, the REAL Seven Wonders of the World:
- Häagen-Dazs Rum Raisin ice cream. Look, I know that shit is made in New Jersey; too damn bad. You love it. You know it. Period. Ben & Jerry’s? Fuck you, hippie.
- Oral sex. Couldn’t care less if you’re straight, gay, in the closet about it because of your religious beliefs, whatthefuckever. Certainly, not everyone enjoys pitching in this ballpark, but everyone — EVERYONE — enjoys catching. Don’t grimace at me like that; you know you can’t wait until the next time you get some. Huh? So I used a baseball analogy; so what? My spelunking metaphor was even worse.
- Jameson’s Irish whiskey. You’re welcome. That’s all I’m sayin’.
- The 3-car garage. I don’t care if you drive a gas-guzzling SUV, take eco-friendly public transportation exclusively or are an extreme cyclist; FINALLY, there is a place to store all your shit.
- The toilet / indoor plumbing. Sorry, I’m not big on wiping my ass with leaves. Also, my fear of dying is to have a tick go up my butthole and suck my blood dry from within my lower intestine. Eaten by a shark? Puh-leeze!
- Miley Cyrus’ tongue. This may seem so yesterday to you, but it still gives me nightmares. Is anybody else concerned that there is a 97.6% chance that her tongue can reach her vagina? If Rob Zombie isn’t working that angle for his next horror film, he’s off his game.
- Peace on Earth. Now that The Human Race has come together in harmony to work as one collective community for the betterment of us all, caring for the least of us, sharing the world’s— What? No, seriously. Seriously? What the fuck, people? You do know how long we’ve had to get this done, right?!
© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio