Time for Noah 2.0?


by Joe Buonfiglio

As I write this silly little blog piece, the world is on fire … quite literally.  Hamas has launched well over a thousand rockets into Israel.  Thousands of Israeli troops stormed into the Gaza Strip.  Russia-backed separatists have shot down a Malaysia Airlines civilian-jet killing almost 300 men, women and children.  What does this say about the human race?

How about here in the United States, my American friends?  Thousands and thousands of child “illegals” flood the US southern borders in an attempt to escape unspeakable violence and poverty while many in our government scream about kicking these littlest refugees the hell out of the country.  Have we forgotten the Grand Lady who still resides in New York Harbor?

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

So much for “the golden door.”  It’s not even an outhouse door these days.

As a self-declared Absurdist, you’d think I would relish the bizarre global-madness currently exhibited by the collective society known as The Human Race.

I do not.

It’s all TOO absurd … even for me.  (And that’s saying A LOT.)

But hey, far be it for me not to lay down the funny, right?  If you wanted to be all serious and shit, you would double-dose your antidepressants and turn on CNN or Fox News or MSNBC.  That’s not why you turn to “Potpourri of the Damned.”

“What the fuck, Joe?!”  Right?

Bear with me.  This all seems as if some sort of unwarranted diversion of opinionated self-indulgence; but I assure you, it isn’t.  It is all leading up to the crux of this post.

BUT FIRST, let me put this out there with absolute clarity before we go any further:

1)  I’m a selfish prick.  Based on that declarative statement, I feel justified in also noting that I am honest to a fault; but egocentric nonetheless.  Don’t get me wrong; I am NOT narcissistic.  I don’t have enough respect for myself to pull that level of confidence off.  Now, I do plenty to “serve others,” so to speak, and some people see me as extremely generous.  Those who know me well can testify to the fact that I am exceedingly loyal; a “loyal dog” in fact.  They’ll tell you there is nobody you want at your back more when things get rough.  Make no mistake, however; I look out for “me and mine.”  Even the charity work I do is because it makes me feel good personally or that having a more stable community is a good thing … for me and mine.

Cold-hearted at the core?  A bizarrely warped sense of giving back?  Sorry.  It’s just the way I’m wired.  (Thanks mom and dad!)

Let’s just say I’m the guy who will “volunteer” to man the bake sale for whatever-the-hell-charity event my wife or kid has signed me up for this time; but then with a sinister laugh that would make Dick Dastardly jealous, swipes a couple of the chocolate cupcakes off the table to shove into his face when he thinks no one is looking.  (Hey, fuck you.  I don’t care if the proceeds do go to the homeless shelter; Mrs. Garcetti’s double-fudge brownies are to die for!)

2)  I’m an Agnostic.  This means that the good, God-fearing Christian folk think I’m Hell-bound for an eternity of well-deserved torture.  I assume this involves being forced to be the only guy attending the afterlife’s perpetual Weight Watchers’ meeting while being compelled to listen to the others lament nonstop about their periods causing menstruation-induced water-weight.  The Atheists, on the other hand, think I’m a noncommittal weenie who either cannot make up his mind or is playing the percentages in the Heavenly Casino.  Both camps think I’m somehow mind-fucking them to my advantage in any philosophic conversation, so I usually tend to keep issues of God off the table at wedding receptions and funeral repasts.  Unless there is an open bar and nothing much by way of comestible commodity other than sugary-pastries; then all bets are off.  You’ll be getting “Joe Buonfiglio’s Agnostic Lecture Series #6: ‘I Don’t Have a Clue as to What the Hell God Wants and Neither Can You’” in your face with both barrels.

The reality is that, as an Agnostic, I simply don’t know what is right or wrong when it comes to all things God, but neither do I think this is a problem.  I don’t see “I don’t know and you can’t either” as such an unreasonable outlook when it comes to the dos and don’ts, the existence or the nonexistence of the Big Guy in the Sky.  As for you and your beliefs, maybe you’re right and maybe you’re wrong; it’s not for me to say.

Hey, you may consider this as a sort of backed-into mea culpa, but I do not.  This isn’t some kind of reverse-mortgage-sin confessional: “You get to stay in your philosophy while we make the payments on your soul until the Grim Reaper swings his scythe.”  Put away the exorcism kit and simmer down, Bible sleepaway-campers.

Quite frankly, this “Registered Independent” viewpoint works for me in a number of arenas.  As with religion, I’m not affiliated with a particular political party, either.  Considering the state of things in American government these days, I’d say that makes me the good guy wearing the white hat, wouldn’t you?

So having revealed these two freely admitted tenets of both ideology and persona — I’m an Agnostic and I’m a selfish prick — I invite you to consider the following…

God … if He/She/It exists … should flood the Earth again and wipe us all out.

Yes, the time for human domination of the planet has LONG passed.  We’ve clearly demonstrated that.  So let’s face it; we’ve fucked things up.  Whether a true believer, dedicated nonbeliever or just plain unsure what the universal master-plan could possibly be, you have to concede this one undeniable truth.  It is time for the human race to pay the check, say our goodbyes in the parking lot and drive off into the sunset.  Forget the take-home box with the half-eaten taco.  You won’t need it.

Don’t agree?  Think we all deserve another chance?

Forget all the crazy shit we’ve done like the Nazis and the Cold War and Three-Mile Island and The Crusades and slavery and the Vietnam War and 9/11 and the Ku Klux Klan and Columbine and Chernobyl and Ted Bundy and Kent State and the Munich Massacre at the ’72 Olympics and Waco and the Oklahoma City bombing in ’95 and the Virginia Tech Massacre in ’07 and pedophile priests and all the geopolitical lunacy we are currently thrusting on the innocent of a sadly weary world and and and…

I mean, come on; if we don’t have proper gun control on the books in the United States after Sandy Hookafter SANDY HOOK — the human race needs to go.  That’s all there is to it.

Some come on, Mister Intelligent Design.  It’s time to get those rains a-comin’ down.  Wipe out all of us hairless apes and start anew with smart cabbages or the like.  Some breed of planet-occupier that might be more about what it can give than what it should get.  Perhaps You could reboot the Earth with an alien race of cherry-pie creatures; now that would be nice.  Who doesn’t like pie, right?

Okay, I can see your face in my mind’s eye, my intrepid blog-reading friend.  You’re not quite sure why, but this post is bugging the shit out of you.  Well, get stuffed.  You may not like it, but you know I’m right.  Say it: “I’m wrong; the self-serving Agnostic is right.”  So open up the floodgates and get those seas rising, Alpha-Omega Man.  Let’s get this thing done.  As a species, we humans would rather declare that corporations are people and deny the existence of Global Climate Change than give any sway to our political adversaries.  Right there alone, we should be—

Wait a minute.  Waters rising to wipe out Humanity?  Global Clima—

Way to go, Sky Dude.  How poetic!  I don’t know whether You’re real or not, but I do like Your sense of style.

Well, so long, my fellow arcane vapors formerly known as The Human Race.  You know in your hearts it is time to turn the keys to the planet over to the cockroaches.  Hell, for inventing chili cheese fries alone, any Supreme Creator should wipe us out of existence.  Talk about crimes against Humanity.

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© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio           All Rights Reserved.




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