The Top Ten Things We Really Do NOT Need in Our Lives

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by Joe Buonfiglio

WARNING: This week’s post is long… outrageously long… so incredibly fucking long, you better put the kettle on, slip into your comfiest PJs, and if you have any sense of self-preservation, make sure you take a piss before you start reading.  This is going to be a bit of a commitment; so just settle in and get on with it.  Oh, and have a Mr. Goodbar on the ready if you have any low blood-sugar issues; you’re gonna need it.

Now, let me get this off my chest right out of the gate.  It’s going to seem as if this is all some sort of randomly dogmatic drunk diatribe, but it is not.  Well, granted, I am shitfaced at the moment; but it is still not a randomly dogmatic diatribe.  The circuitous manner in which I am about to ramble will actually make sense down the literary road.  So just keep your fucking pants on; the point is en route!

In my defense, all your nonstop slacker-esque gaming has left you with the patience of a housefly who has blown through 35 hours of his 36-hour lifespan.  But in your defense, most Americans under the age of 97 who don’t garden, take in bird-watching or prefer the long waits of fishing over the instant gratification of crabbing tend to be wholly impatient, too.  It’s just the American way.

And that nice segue finally propels us into the first salient point of this post…

Whether we Americans care to acknowledge it or not, the United States of America is an empire in decline.  I won’t go so far as to say it is on its way out as a superpower or make some unnecessarily inflammatory analogy to the fall of the Holy Roman Empire.  It’s not like we’ve become as useless as a Bible salesman at a Hollywood spouse-swapping dildo trunk-show party.

That lame the US of A is not.

Yes, if need be, we still know how to bomb our way into relevance on the world stage; but that’s on the world stage.  Here at home, however, things are sliding into the shitter at an alarming rate.

Now see, right there, at least half of you P.O.T.D. readers will want to tie me down, pour clove honey on my balls and release the fire ants.  So with that in mind — and yes, my testicles have already begun to recede into my body as an embarrassingly effective defense mechanism — let me justify that last and somewhat incendiary declaration.

It’s not a matter of what we want or what we have the ability to achieve.  Americans have never had a shortage of ingenuity or the swagger to reinforce that inventive capability.  That’s not the problem.  It’s what we, as a collective society, have decided we no longer need as a democratic civilization that will ultimately bring this great nation to its knees.

“What the hell are you talking about, Joe, you fucking asshat?!!!” you exclaim while jabbing your finger into my chest with patriotic bravado.  “Has your quest to bring masturbation to the level of ‘art form’ so reduced the blood flow to your brain that you can no longer maintain a semblance of rational thought?”

Well, maybe; but not yet.  While such a possibility is delightful beyond mere words, I’m not anywhere close to achieving such a lofty goal.

Bearing witness to how we currently act as a society, we Americans appear to have made a pact with each other that we do NOT need to abide by Abraham Lincoln’s philosophy that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.”  The red-blue schism demonstrated by the idiots in our Congress as a representative microcosm of the idiots in the populace is sending a loud-and-clear message that we do NOT need that which used to be the backbone of our nation.

For example, it appears that we do NOT need the middle class or quality public education.  No need to support such once-great American ideals, right?  Let’s just squeeze that shit like Play-Doh through Pumper No. 9 until such great institutions are no more than a memory-fart dissipated by an ideological hurricane.

Additionally, we in the US also seem to have accepted that we do NOT need newspapers anymore.  Newspapers are dying dinosaurs left on artificial life-support out of some warped sense of schmaltzy nostalgia.  It’s like that little jar of horseradish in your refrigerator; you’re never going to use it, but it’s comforting to know it’s there.  The newspaper industry’s futile attempt at catch-up in the digital age is a business disaster and their print versions are disappearing faster than the stockpile of adult diapers at the old-folks home on “Taco Tuesday.”  In my lifetime, I fully expect to read the last print-on-paper edition of the news.

What’s the big deal?  The times they are-a changing; so let’s get on with it, right?

The death of those newspapers (that we’ve decided we do NOT need) will be accompanied by the death of news … that is accompanied by the death of journalism … that is accompanied by the death of the “watchdog” function of the press … that will ultimately be accompanied by the death of democracy in America.

“A little overstated and reactionary,” you say?

“Au contraire, dickweed,” I retort.

Why?

Because leaving the press’ watchdog function to the likes of Fox News or MSNBC or even (your grandpa is the only one watching) CNN is like leaving democracy in the hands of the Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks … and by silly walks, I mean punditry-driven propaganda.

Fox News and MSNBC are not — let me repeat that — are NOT real news by any stretch of the imagination.  They just want you to know their take on what’s going on in order to push their biased agenda overall, NOT what is actually going on in the world.  As for CNN, who has a clue as to what the hell it’s up to?!  Desperate for ratings, they are falling down the slippery slope of over-the-top special effects and nonsense punditry.

“HERE’S AN EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWS NEWS ALERT.  We have just learned that the news has been alerted to the report that it is breaking.  For more on this story, we turn to our chief ‘More on This Story’ correspondent…”

How about radio?  Are you kidding?  That Punditry Palace is so biased that you’d be better off trying to glean some snippet of news from a Denny’s kids’ coloring-placemat than from the radio.

Internet news outlets?  Pul-leeeeeeze!  That’s almost as bad as the radio.  Any asshole with a virtual keyboard can pump out his version of reporting and call it the news.

How do I know?

I’m one of those freelance assholes with a keyboard and you’re still reading this drivel, right?

Think this is all conspiracy bullshit perpetrated by some nut who just likes hearing the sound of his e-voice launched into the blogosphere?

Hmmmm.  I wonder who benefits from cultivating a poor, uneducated electorate spoon-fed “newstainment” propaganda instead of essential information and exhausted from working multiple low-paying jobs just to keep food on the table and the lights on. Who would benefit from an America populated mostly by a sea of ignorant worker drones?

Strange.  I only seem to be able to answer that question about 1% of the time.

Oh well.

A strong middle class?  A public education system respected around the world?  Journalism that isn’t tainted with propaganda, but serves the public with a true watchdog function?  AND, A PUBLIC COMMITTED TO EMBRACING THESE THINGS?

These aren’t options in a vibrant, non-puppet democracy.  We need these things.  We must have them … or watch the empire slowly crumble.  But, you know what?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?!

(Drumroll, please.)

The Top Ten Things We Really Do NOT Need in Our Lives

#10) Any more social-media commentary on the Kardashians’ physical features as if you fucking know these women personally: ENOUGH ALREADY. Stop talking about the tits and ass of any member of the Clan Kardashian as if you were getting under the sheets with them.  (Yes, you too, ladies.)  Enjoy their show.  Use their products.  Fantasize about them all you want.  Go for it.  It’s your life; knock yourself out.  But if one more guy tweets he’s sure he could “tap that” if given just two minutes with Kim, I’m going to vomit myself into a state of dehydration like when I ate those nasty nachos left out all day in the hot sun at my family-reunion pool party.

#9) Pro-athletes thanking their “Lord and Savior” for winning the big game: So, He’s not so much God as your own, personal Celestial Butler.  What?  Do the guys on the opposing side play for Satan’s team?  Is the Supreme Being like, “You know, I should be helping out all those people being brutalized in the Middle East, but the Giants are playing today”?

#8) Penis pumps: Face it; your dick is small.  Get on with your life.

#7) Celebrity selfies: Arrest me for perpetrating lewd-and-lascivious acts with a life-size blow-up doll of Johnny Depp whilst bungee jumping off the Hollywood sign if one more implant-enhanced celeb posts a sweat-drenched selfie from her Pilates workout.  Are we ever going to get enough of celebrity selfies?  I mean, come on; a dick pic is just a dick pic.  We’re supposed to swoon because this tent-pole is attached to the guy who starred in my favorite tentpole?  This camel toe is sooooooo much more interesting, because it’s walking the red carpet?  Give it a rest!

           #7A) Non-celebrity selfies: Yes, you have tits; I get it.  You took a dump on your best friend’s neck after he passed out at his birthday bash; just good, clean fun.  Well, good fun.  Okay, just fun … sort of.  Anyway, why would he possibly be upset you took a picture of yourself pointing at him and his new fecal-friend, and then sent it across the globe for the whole freakin’ world to see?  That’s what friends are for, right?  Look, whatever you’re into is your own damn business.  I’m a “If you’re not fucking with me; live and let live” guy.  But I don’t need to see a picture of it.  NOBODY needs to see a picture of it.  Here’s me making pancakes.  Here’s me completely wasted banging the neighbor’s Chihuahua.  Here’s me holding up the liquor store.  Enough! … … … Okay, if you have that one of you doing it with the Chihuahua, go ahead and post it.  That would be fucking hilarious.

#6) Manual transmission (shift) cars: Grow the fuck up.  You’re not going to do the Tokyo Drift, you’ll never be fender-to-fender in a NASCAR race with Jeff Gordon, and you won’t be running moonshine on the dirt roads of backwoods Tennessee anytime soon!  Have you ever tried driving a manual-shift car up and down the streets of San Francisco or in a Buffalo whiteout snowstorm?  Accept that you’re not Burt Reynolds driving a black Trans Am in the 1970s and move on.

#5) Sweetbread: Sorry, United Kingdom, but that shit’s gotta go.  It’s not sweet.  Hell, it’s not even bread!  It’s basically animal internal organs served as a meal.  I shit you not.  Organs such as the stomach, heart, intestine… or glands, the thymus and/or pancreas.  I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.  I’m not that good of a writer.  Here stateside, some places even offer a “Rocky Mountain Oyster” version.  No, my American friend, you’re not that lucky.  There ain’t even a smidge of seafood in there.  That’s aaaaaaaaaaaall bull balls.  No wonder bulls always seemed pissed off.  Can you blame them?

Back in London, I’ve even experienced a shop that ground up the sweetbread, spiced it, and shoved it into a hardened flakey-pastry.  They call them “sweetbread pasties.”  I call them “Is my medical insurance valid in England?”

Yes.  I ate it.

Yes.  I’m dry-heaving right now as I write this just thinking abou— HUHEAH— Oh, God. That’s the worst taste in the— HHUHEEAAH—  HUHAEEEEEHAAH….

Honey, can you give the toilet a little plunge for me? … No, I’m writing my blog….  No, I said.  I’m on deadline! … Yeah, the floor might need a mopping, too.  And get me an appointment with my therapist…. OF COURSE IT’S THE FUCKING SWEETBREAD THING AGAIN! ….  What do you want from me?!  … How the fuck do you expect me to control what pops into my brain? … All right-all right; leave it then.  I’ll get it later….  Well, you’ll have to walk your little ass down to the gas station on the corner and use theirs, now won’t you?!

Where was I?

Oh.  Right.

#4) Landline telephones: Unless you can afford a house with an alarm-monitoring system that utilizes a hardwired phone line, why would you ever use your landline telephone?  Why do they even exist?

Hold it.

Drunk selfies.  Sexting. No audible partial-prescreening of incoming calls before deciding whether or not to pick up.  24/7 access to us.  NEVER being able to fake being away from friends or family … OR WORK.

To Hell with that!  Keep the landline; lose the cellphone.

#3) Death: Seriously?  Some bitch off her diet bites into an apple in a garden and now we’re all supposed to croak every 70 years or so?  Don’t you think that might just be a wee bit fucked up?  And don’t go throwing the population-control argument in my face.  That’s total crap and you know it.  If we just dump the religious objection to purely recreational, but contraceptive-enhanced sex; problem solved.  We’d all be banging our way to happiness with immortality on our side…

… or up our ass.  It depends on what you’re into.

Don’t judge.

#2) Cream cheese: Butter works perfectly well.  Add a little jam and you’re good to go.  Cream cheese is fattening and it just fucks up the toast.

And the top thing we really do NOT need in our lives…

#1) Bloggers: Enough with the blogging already!  What makes you think your voice is the one that needs to be heard?  You’re not that smart.  You’re not that funny.  And even though you’re on the Internet, we can all tell you have vulture breath.

It’s called a toothbrush.  Use it.

Sorry, but the fact that you really, REALLY like working in your underwear is not our problem.  Bloggers suck.  Period.

Hold on a sec.  Just wait a—

Oh.

Oh, goddamn it!

 

© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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