by Joe Buonfiglio
So, I’m sitting here at breakfast this fine morning chowing down with reckless abandon on these delicious oranges my good friend from Florida sent me. Orange after succulent orange falls to my voracious appetite. And as these juicy little orbs of delight go down faster than beer at “half-off pitchers and Buffalo wings” league night at your favorite bowling alley, the thought occurs to me: It just doesn’t seem fair that there is not a rhy—
Did I just … pass out?
Son of a bitch! What am I thinking?! I’m a diabetic; I can’t chain-consume goddamn oranges! Have I lost my mind?!
Oh, that rat bastard! My so-called friend from the Sunshine State KNOWS that I can’t resist the citrus stuff. And yet, he sends me a crate of the mouthwatering edible enchantments.
Prick! He gets “Shit in a Box” for Christmas this year!
Where was I?
So, is there really no rhyme for the word “orange”? How can that be? There are rhyming words for “docket” (pocket, rocket, socket, sprocket…), “sludge” (budge, drudge, fudge, grudge…) and even “shit” (bit, flit, tit, clit— er, I mean hit, knit…), but nothing for the wonderful fruit and beautiful color that have uplifted the plight of The Human Condition in small, but essential (and scurvy-fighting) ways since the dawn of recorded history? If, for but a moment, we all take a Kierkegaardian leap of faith and assume the Christian Bible is real; imagine if Eve had actually turned to Adam in the Garden of Eden and said, “You know what? Try this ORANGE instead.” We’d be living in a much different world today, wouldn’t we?
What about Halloween? Where would we be in the USA without orange for Halloween? We’d be wandering around dressed in all black at night, that’s where. Trick or Treating just got a whole lot more dangerous, didn’t it?
The fact that “orange” has no perfect rhymes is an insidious crime against linguistic nature.
Oh sure, there is the snobbish Oxford English Dictionary smugly rhyming “orange” with “sporange,” the rare and alternative form of “sporangium” (a plant, fungal or algal structure producing and containing spores); but everyone knows that’s a load of elitist crap. Your preschooler shouldn’t have to be a fucking botanist to come up with a rhyme for “orange.”
And at the risk that this is all rapidly transforming into just more of my usual aimless palaver, I, for one, call bullshit on this devastating assault against the literati’s delicate sensibilities.
So up yours, Mr. Webster! Here are the…
NEW RHYMES FOR THE WORD “ORANGE”
GORANGE: Definition — The ability to withstand severe anal bleeding while shoving the “largest orange” blue-ribbon winner at the state fair up your ass. Usage — “Bubba won the freestyle gorange contest with ease; but to his dismay, was disqualified from that evening’s tractor pull for his inability to sit down on his vehicle’s seat.”
HORANGE: Definition — A prostitute that overdoes “Tan in the Can” style spray-tan products to the point of donning orange-toned skin (but usually charges a higher fee than regular whores). Usage — “Madam Cherry made note that the senator preferred her best horange whenever he was in town.”
PORANGE: Definition — Derogatory term for the impoverished “crackers” residing in the Sunshine State (Florida; one of the world’s preeminent orange-producers). “Throngs of porange angrily protested when the tax on cigarettes skyrocketed in Florida.”
RORANGE: Definition — The sound of disappointment NASCAR fans of a particular driver make when his/her vehicle receives the “meatball” (a black flag with an orange circle in its center) indicating said car is being summoned to the pits due to mechanical problems that are interfering with the race (such as an oil or fuel leak). Usage — “The rorange by #24 fans was deafening when Jeff Gordon was pulled from the race for leaking excessive amounts of gas…. His car was also causing problems.”
BORANGE: Definition — The unusually high number of “unfriends” on Facebook that occurs when bored friends can no longer stand the thought of you posting one more fucking picture of you and/or your obscene progeny at Disney World. Usage — “The Orlando Chamber of Commerce officially sued Barbara for damages to its economy due to the borange spillover from her last post.”
QUORANGE: Definition — A gay orange. Usage — “During the pride-parade, chants of ‘We’re here! We’re queer! We’re beloved citrus!’ from the quorange contingent left many gay-rights supporters in the crowd quite bewildered.”
CHORANGE: Definition — A genetically modified fruit blending an orange with a churro (sometimes referred to as a fried “Spanish doughnut”). Usage — “Move over fried Oreo; the chocolate-drizzled chorange is taking your place at the Food Truck Rodeo.”
SHORANGE: Definition — Literally means to “shit orange.” (AKA orange shit) Usage — “After attempting to win a place in the Guinness Book of World Records by consuming nothing but the drink Orangina continually for two weeks, three days and nine hours, Walter T. of Tightsqueeze, Virginia noticed an increasing inability to stop the shorange damage to his tidy whities.”
ZORANGE: Definition — The ability to balance a sleeping marmoset’s testicles on a runcible spoon without ever waking him. Usage — “While the US Olympic Zorange team practiced for the upcoming— Wait. What?”
WORANGE: Definition — A war waged using only citrus fruit as ordnance. Usage — “As the worange raged on for years, the only casualty was a fruit fly crushed by a corporal’s boot in one of the many juice-soaked trenches.”
DORANGE: Definition — An orange in the shape of a penis. Usage — “Further evidence bore out the hypothesis that this was not a rare and comely Dorange, but, in fact, Brother Bartholomew’s dick protruding out a glory hole.”
Rhymes with “orange”? An idea whose time has unquestionably come. My work here may not be worthy of a gold medal in the Rhyming Olympics, but it most certainly warrants the awarding of at least the silver.
Now where did I put my rhyming dictionary?
Oh, goddamn it!
© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.