by Joe Buonfiglio
Self-destructive. There’s no getting around it; I have a completely self-destructive nature. There isn’t the slightest shred of self-preservation sewn into the tapestry of my being. I eat too much, drink too much, exercise too little…. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I slept for five continuous hours, let alone eight. If I don’t bottom out soon, it’ll all probably kill me.
So with this in mind, I’d like to deposit some wisdom before I inevitably depart this wretched ephemeral existence. I want to at least offer up a thinly veiled attempt to leave some sort of legacy behind for which my obscene progeny may feign appreciation after I’m gone. Here are my ideas for changing the world to make it a better place for the generations that will follow me.
GOOD IDEAS I CAN MAKE EVEN BETTER
(Even Betterer? Betterest? Oh, fuck it. Even Better!)
GOOD IDEA: The Nicotine Patch
A nicotine patch is a medicated adhesive-patch placed on the skin (aka a transdermal patch) that releases nicotine into the body through the skin. It is used as an aid in nicotine replacement therapy (NRT), a process that can help people quit smoking.
This is a good idea, but…
BETTER IDEA: The Pasta Patch
The way I envision this little wonder is also as a transdermal patch, but one that greatly reduces the urge to dive into anything purposefully situated under meatballs or meat sauce during the practice of the culinary arts. Because fuck lung cancer; carbohydrates are the devil after my soul. They’re freakin’ killing me! Not to be a stereotypical Italian-American, but bread and pasta are waistline assassins. If I have one more plate of lasagna, I’m gonna pop like a tick sucking down the blood a little too fast for proper woodland-picnic etiquette. Santa looks at my expanding waistline and shoves a Weight Watchers frozen entre into my Christmas stocking. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good DAMN BOY! WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SELF-RESPECT!”
Up yours, you reindeer-schtupper. I’ve got Joe Buonfglio’s patented Pasta Patch … which I’m going to put on as soon as I polish off this plate of cookies my kid left out for you. You can have the carrot he left for Rudolph, you arrogant prick. By the way, maybe you should try looking in a mirror before criticizing others, chubs.
GOOD IDEA: The Flash Mob
A flash mob (aka flashmob) is a group of people who abruptly gather in a public place, engage in often weird and pointless acts for a few moments, and then break up and move along as quickly as they came together. Coordinated via social media, viral emails or texts, flash mobs are often used as performance-art exhibition, protest masked as satirical expression or just as a relief to the mindless tedium of life.
Now, while I’m all for a little bit of silly Absurdism hitting the streets at the height of commuter congestion, there is a better way….
BETTER IDEA: The Flash Fuck
Same as the flash mob, only everybody gets naked and goes to Pound Town.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Okay, I didn’t pay my cable bill again and I’m Cinemax deprived. Just back off. It’s a little porn withdraw, that’s all; the late-night After Dark shakes. I’ll be fine. I’ll be … … … just … … … … fine.
GOOD IDEA: Crowdfunding
Crowdfunding is a way of raising cash for a project or business or charity or whatthefuckever from sympathetic donors or fans willing to open their wallets (or the incredibly bored or gullible with money to burn) over the Internet. It’s usually all coordinated online via a moderating “platform” organization that matches up those needing the money with those giving it to launch the project, service or idea.
I know. I laughed the first time I heard about it, too. Nevertheless, it’s the real deal. And even though the crowdfunding industry is worth billions and billions of dollars worldwide, it’s still not as good as my concept for…
BETTER IDEA: Crowdfarting
It’s where people lend support to a project or idea by setting up collection plates and hats in public and breaking wind en masse.
Hey. Could I crowdfund crowdfarting? I wonder.
GOOD IDEA: The Selifie
Where would social media — Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and their ilk — be today were it not for the “selfie“? This often maniacally egotistical self-pic typically taken via one’s camera-phone is usually shared on and the darling of the social-networking services.
BETTER IDEA: The Snuffie
My concept is to have these same selfie aficionados take a picture of themselves at the moment of death … as I kill them … for being selfie aficionados. Thus, the snuff-selifie or “snuffie.”
Why is the snuffie so needed?
Well, for the millionth time, I get it. You have great tits. You’re with a woman who has great tits. I’m at home with the flu watching a couple of gay guys on the Bravo channel explain to me how my use of color in my master bath sucks. Thanks for shoving your clubbing escapades up my ass while the snot continually drips down my face as if the meditation water-fountain at the day spa you’ll send me a selfie from tomorrow. Hey, here’s an idea: bring me over some homemade soup and some Tylenol so that I can get this fucking fever below a hundred and four, asshole.
GOOD IDEA: The Toilet
Indoor plumbing fostering fecal and urine removal from the convenience of a water-closet within your home. Is there any better invention to represent the genius of the modern, civilized human presence on this good Earth?
Well yes, actually. There is…
BETTER IDEA: The Toilet Buffet
My inventive brilliance is in full virtuoso mode with The Toilet Buffet. Adapting the primary mechanism behind stairlift-style devices that glide people with disabilities up and down stairs in a little chair attached to a rail, I will add a toilet component and circle the rail around the buffets of popular all-you-can-eat restaurants. Imagine no longer being restrained from truly abiding by the all-you-can-eat doctrine due to the constraints of having to interrupt your nonstop comestible practices to attend to the annoying necessity of having to evacuate your bowels. With a commode built right into the chair of your constantly circling private dining-car, eat until you fulfill your heart’s desire … or your heart attack; whichever comes first. Shut the place down. Make the manger contemplate suicide as he watches you slowly devour his profits. The world is your oyster — raw, fried and steamed.
And yes, even as you read this, I am currently at work on a portable model utilizing contemporary mobility-scooter technology.
(NOTE: attached television available for a supplementary fee. TV-phone-Internet bundles also provided for an additional charge.)
GOOD IDEA: Touchscreens
Being able to control your electronic device via the simple touching of its screen with a special stylus or pen, or even just your fingers? What a wonderful world; am I right?
Well yes … and no.
BETTER IDEA: TouchWilly Technology
Imagine being able to control your laptop, tablet, smartphone and the like with a yank of your chubby. With either the wireless or Bluetooth condom-sleeve enabled device, multitasking just became a whole lot easier. No longer will you have to interrupt working on your computer-program taxes because you have the urge to surf the online porn sites. Calculating how much Uncle Sam is raiding your bank account can now actually come with a happy ending … self-induced, of course.
(Note: the TouchVajayjay edition is currently in development, but will work more like the steering-wheel controller to a gaming device. Void where prohibited.)
GOOD IDEA: The Internet
Electronically connecting the world and everyone in it. How can you possibly top that?
BETTER IDEA: NO INTERNET!
Go ahead. Try it sometime. Pour a nice cup of tea, sit out on the porch and read a book. (Yes, an actual paper-paged book.) Unplug from the world for a while. Hell, unplug for a whole day or a week, God forbid!
See what happens. See how you change by being totally disconnected.
Wait. That means you can’t read this blog or my tweets? Fuck that noise. Don’t listen to me. I’m an idiot. Get back online. Get back online NOW!
GOOD IDEA: Artificial Intelligence
Thinking machines. Machines that emulate humanlike brainpower and beyond. Machines that can reason. Machines that can imagine!
What could possibly go wrong?
(Reference: Michael Crichton’s Westworld)
BETTER IDEA: Using the Intelligence We Already Have
I know you’re all hot and bothered at the thought of taking a nosedive into the future, but just work with me here. Before we pass the task of thinking completely over to machines, maybe the human race should consider developing our own collective intelligence to its utmost capacity first. You know. Make sure we fully grasp the concept of “intelligence” before trying to impose it on some robotic butler.
Because if the current state of politics in the US is any indication of the practical functionality of human intelligence, maybe we should rethink this whole “AI” thing before we instill the mental sensibilities of the brain trust known as the human race on potentially unstoppable killing machines.
Just a thought.
GOOD IDEA: Screw-Top Wine
Easy access to wine. One of Humankind’s more brilliant ideas.
BETTER IDEA: Screw-Top Boner Pills
Over-the-counter, not prescription. For the masses, damn it! Why should only the rich have easy access to erections lasting up to four hours?!
Okay, you got me. I just like saying “screw-top” … and “boner.” Saying “screw-top boner” just cracks me up. “Screw-top boner pills,” doubly so.
I don’t know why. It just does.
GOOD IDEA: The “Pooper-Scooper“
Have a dog? Live in the city? A must-have, really. Pets shit. You have to deal with it. This significantly eases the burden.
But not quite enough. I believe we can do better.
BETTER IDEA: The Anusless Pet
Utilizing ginger-root extract, flat stout ale, sugar-free Gummy Worms, NRA membership-recruitment manuals, tampons, the ash from burned stacks of old Christian Right “Pray Away the Gay” intervention brochures and the lone pickle that’s been sitting in a jar at the back of my fridge for who-the-hell-knows how long; through a series of injections, I’ve been attempting to genetically modify my pet Schnauzer “Herr Tinkles” into the world’s first breed of dog sans an anus. And while this would eliminate one of the most troubling aspects of pet ownership, there has been a complication.
See, I love Herr Tinkles. He’s my best friend. So I couldn’t risk harming him in my attempts to advance medical science. Therefore, I decided to use a human subject first.
The bad news is that I really didn’t think it would work … AND IT DID! All too well.
The good news is…
BEST IDEA: The Assless Society.
While thrilled at the prospect that I could end mankind’s problem with human waste, I still found myself moping about wondering how I was going to handle nutritional consumption and digestion now that I no longer had an anus.
Then it hit me.
I started consider the possibility that maybe stopping at the anus was a critical error. Maybe it was time to get rid of asses altogether. Yes. Yes, I could do it. I have the ability to—
Okay, seriously. Enough with all the fucking ass-worshipping already. There are those who have risen to celebrity status simply because you can park a Chrysler end-to-end across their butt-cheeks. And oiling up these mega-booties doesn’t make it better. Why is it sexy to have a greased up ass SO LARGE my kids can use your butt-crack as a Slip ‘N Slide on the Fourth of July.
Look, I like a nice ass as much as the next guy. But if your backside is so big that real estate developers want to break it into plots for timeshares, maybe it’s time to consider reduction surgery.
I’m just sayin’.
No, seriously. Get that fucking thing out of my face. I have enough problems with terror dreams as it is. Because let’s face it; things could be better.
© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.