SCREW YOU; IT’S CHRISTMAS!

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by Joe Buonfiglio

If your quest is to seek out my normally ribald fare laced with the arcane vapors of dark humor, I’m afraid you shall be mostly unrequited this day.  Given the holiday season, I’ve decided to take brief respite from all that locker-room intelligentsia.  The only “C-Word” I’ll be using is “Christmas.”

So, let’s have at it, shall we?

HAVE A MOST MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY, HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!

That’s it.  So long, drive safely, and if you’re eating Christmas dinner out, remember to tip your server.

What?

WHAT?!

Oh, come on.  Can’t a guy get a break at Yuletide?  Where’s your Christmas spirit?

Look, the reality is that it’s 2:43 PM on Christmas Eve at the time of this writing and I haven’t even started Christmas shopping yet.  I’m turning the concept of “last-minute gift” into “everyone on my list gets a gift-wrapped disposable lighter from the 24-hour convenience store.”  And believe you me, that doesn’t go over big on Christmas morning when there are kids involved … especially since it’s the same damn gift they got from me last year.

So cut me some slack if I just don’t have time to bang out my usual dark, twisted, vulgar funn—

Is that snow?

IS THAT FUCKING SNOW?!

I don’t have snow tires on my heap of a clunker.  That piece of junk skids all over the road if there’s a drizzle coming down, let alone a—  WHITEOUT?!  The weather-wonk on TV just used the words “whiteout” and “blizzard” in the same sentence.

SON.  OF.  A—

Okay, that’s it.  The damn Christmas presents aren’t going to buy themselves.  And since Amazon.com doesn’t have its drone-delivery system in place in my area yet, I better move my ass.  I won’t get my car out of the driveway without skidding into some godforsaken ravine of doom if I don’t get out on the road now.

So, there you have it.  Merry Merry and Happy-Happy blah-blah whatthefuckever.

No.

No.

I said “NO!”  I don’t have time to write more.  You KNOW that.  Sorry if you feel cheated, but have a heart.  Clearly, you can see that I have issues to contend with just to survive the remaining hours in the holiday sea—

HEY, SCREW YOU; IT’S CHRISTMAS!

I wonder if e-cigarettes are an appropriate gift for a five year old.

 

© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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