The Top 10 Worst Blog-Post Ideas I’ve Ever Had (to Date)
by Joe Buonfiglio
Here it is again: the dreaded, the feared, the kick you in the ballsack and leave you writhing in agony facedown in the gutter outside the douchey hipster café; the white-page driven writer’s block of a royal “Fuck me!” moment along my personal timeline. In other words, blog-posting time.
Do you think coming up with this creative shit week after week while you all psychically scream “Bring on the funny, fat man!” in my mind’s ear is easy? It’s not as if you bought a ticket to read this crap. You’re getting all this on my version of the dole, you cheap bastards! Believe it or not, I usually get paid to wax poetically absurd with this kind of rubbish. But does that stop you from getting all whiny and going nuclear-critical on my ass every week?
As if you’re some kind of world-renowned demigod in all things weird and darkly humorous, you think you have a right to—
NOTE TO SELF: When trying to build an audience, never berate your readers. Remember your mantra: “Readers pay the bills. Uuuuuuhhhhmmmm. Readers pay the bills. Uuuuuuhhhhmmmm. Readers pay the bills. Uuuuuuhhhhmmmm….”
Thank you for your patience. I’ve gone to my Happy Place. Although, this time my H.P. has far fewer naked virgins dancing in the moonlight while consuming the stuffing out of recently gutted penguin dolls. Off day, I guess.
Anyway, here are the…
TOP 10 WORST BLOG-POST IDEAS I’VE EVER HAD!
#10: “101 Unauthorized Uses for ‘Breathe Right’ Nasal Strips” … Use #54: Penis extension exercises.
#9: “Why God Needs to Smite Me and How He Should Do It” … It’s best not to give the Big Guy in the Sky any bright ideas along these lines. I’m in enough shit without poking the sleeping tiger in the ass with a pointy stick.
#8: “The Big List of Towns in the Carolinas with Openly Gay Mayors” … North Carolina. South Carolina. At the time of this writing, there’s one, two— Uh, two— Uh—
#7: “The Big List of Towns in the Carolinas that WISH They Had Openly Gay Mayors” … North Carolina. South Carolina. At the time of this writing, there’s one, two— Uh, two— Uh— Oh, fuck it.
#6: “Everyone in the World Who Prefers Fat Orson Welles to Skinny Orson Welles“ … At the time of this writing, there’s one, two— Goddamn it! Not again! I really have to ditch the whole “list” thing, “top ten” or otherwise. I can never get past two. A list cannot consist of just two things. That’s not a list, just an afterthought.
Okay cinephiles, back me up on this.
Let me guess; you’re going to throw Citizen Kane in my face, aren’t you?
#5: “Top 5 Things I Love About the DMV” … Your friendly neighborhood Department of Motor Vehicles is like a meadow bursting with daisies, a perfectly shaped Christmas tree discovered and purchased just as the tree lot introduces its late-in-the-season cost discounts, a nice, warm cup of cocoa on a cold winter d— Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? It’s the DMV. NOBODY has anything good to say about the DMV.
Have you ever been to the DMV in Los Angeles? The LA-DMV experience is akin to what I only imagine a failed existence in Purgatory is like; you just want to dive directly into Hell and get it over with already!
#4: “Honeymoon Destinations ‘on the Cheap'” … Destination #1 — the Library of Congress.
I never made it to Destination #2. The settlement terms of the “Brides vs. Joe Buonfiglio” class-action lawsuit prohibits me from saying why.
#3: “Why Saying the Word ‘Cunt’ Is Very, Very, VERY Burn-Him-at-the-Stake Bad” … I was in trouble with this one right out of the gate, as I had used “cunt” in the title. In hindsight, I guess I should have used “C-Word” in the title to give those with fragile linguistic sensibilities a chance to bail on that week’s post, but I didn’t. It’s not so much that I am some sort of blogging provocateur as that it was the holidays; I was afraid someone might confuse “C-Word” for “Christmas” and get REALLY pissed off deeper into the post.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.
“What a cunt!”
#2: “Kickstarter Ransom” … for when you just don’t feel like dipping into your own cash-stash to save the ones you love.
No, it’s not a real thing. Good God, man! How cheap are you?!
What do you mean do I take credit cards? There’s like a million fucking ATMs in this town. No, I won’t cut off and mail you one more toe and call it even.
I don’t give a damn how much money you lost on the Giants this year, that’s not my prob— Screw it. You can have her back. Just shut the fuck up already.
Look, how about we go in together on the movie rights to this whole sordid affair and just crowdfund the shit out of it. It’s a win-win. Deal?
Well, yeah. If you promised to eat the severed toe for the first million-dollar investment, that might help.
I like the way you think.
#1: “The Anal Wart Museum” … Seriously, you want me to elaborate? It’s an anal wart museum. I’d be blogging about a museum … for anal warts. “Condyloma acuminata” in all its hellish glory. For the love of Girl Scout cookies, I’m actually making gagging sounds right here at my keyboard just typing the words “anal warts” and you want me to go into detail?
You really are a sick fuck, you know that?
Well, that’s about it. There are others that didn’t quite make the cut:
“Top Ten Ways to Avoid Going to the Bathroom in the Middle of a Movie at the Theater (The Adult Diaper Edition)”
“What to Do When You Suspect Your Teenager has a Better Pot Connection Than You”
“Why Trying to Buy Slightly Used Diabetic Supplies on Craigslist Might Lead to Bigger Things than Mere Savings”
“Why Confusing ‘Duct Tape’ with ‘Duck Tape’ Could Blend Fun and Nipple Irritation at Your Next Aviary Bondage Party”
“Instilling Your Child with Hollywood Values”
“Homemade Pharmaceuticals: Cures & Highs You Can Find in Your Garbage Rollout Today”
“Homicide or Divorce: Why Your Spouse Really Smiles Every Time You Walk into the Room”
“Pandas Gone Wild (a Pictorial)”
“If It’s on a Cracker, It Must be Okay to Eat”
… and the list goes on. But remember:
“One person’s bad idea is another person’s entré into the federal penal system.”
© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.