See How Well You Know … Well … ME!
by Joe Buonfiglio
Ghosts, ghouls, goblins, overeating sugary treats, dressing strangely, the overconsumption of alcohol, rude and ribald behavior…
Nah. Pick ANY night. That’s just my life.
However, I will be doing some special activities in celebration of All Hallows’ Eve. So, let’s see how well you know me… really know me. Take my little Halloween test:
Joe Buonfiglio will carve his pumpkin into
A) a classic jack-o’-lantern face.
B) the likeness of Ben Franklin with a French whore.
C) an exact replica of a tray of lasagna.
D) the perfect image of his own ass.
E) It’s a trick question. He will, of course, carve his ass to look like a pumpkin.
When trick-or-treaters come to his door, Joe Buonfiglio will
A) hand out “fun size” candies.
B) hand out full-size candy bars.
C) hand out fresh apples as a healthy alternative.
D) pretend he is the neighborhood dentist and hand out cheap toothbrushes.
E) go to bed early, but set up an “honor system” self-dispensing whiskey-enema station on his spookily decorated front porch.
If Joe’s house “goes dark” for Halloween, that most likely means
A) he has the flu and is sick in bed.
B) he ate all the candy by the end of Devil’s Night, so he has nothing to hand out.
C) he’s taken up sacrificing virgins in his basement again.
D) he’s watching the Friday the 13th marathon and does not want to be disturbed.
E) he’s watching the Friday the 13th marathon naked except for a bloody Jason Voorhees mask and does not want to be disturbed.
Halloween is Joe’s favorite holiday, because
A) he loves seeing all the creative kids’ costumes.
B) he’s a candy freak and this is the excelsior candy night extraordinaire.
C) it’s the best time of year to feed his horror obsession.
D) it’s fun to celebrate evil in relative safety. (Read: Eat candy corn.)
E) the cops are way too busy dealing with the drunken revelry at barroom costume events to notice him selling chocolate-dipped human appendages out of the back of a windowless van.
Joe enjoys reciting spooky poetry on Halloween, because
A) “bitches” rhymes with “witches.”
B) “hump kin” rhymes with “pumpkin.”
C) such verse goes perfectly with the pumpkin patch scene from It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown that he drew on his balls with a Sharpie.
D) the only way he would even consider blathering out poetic phrase is if he has been sufficiently poisoned by pumpkin spice … and he has. (Read: Fuck you, Starbucks!)
E) he gets inspired by strippers in Elvira costumes for open mic night at the Knob Goblin Club.
Halloween is perfect for Joe, because
A) it’s the only time of year his “slutty dog-walker” outfit makes sense.
B) it’s the only time of year his “slutty gas station attendant” outfit makes sense.
C) it’s the only time of year his “slutty saltine cracker” outfit makes sense.
D) it’s the only time of year his “slutty homing pigeon” outfit makes sense.
E) it’s the only time of year his “slutty Joe Buonfiglio” outfit makes sense.
And finally, Halloween and Joe Buonfiglio go together like
A) Michael Myers and an unexpected alien anal probe.
B) collecting for UNICEF and a hearse with no brakes rocketing down a mountainside road.
C) a relentless chainsaw-wielding maniac and Aunt Lucy’s dirty unmentionables.
D) bobbing for apples and a lap dance at the White House Press Corps dinner.
E) The stroke of midnight and an absurdly irrelevant comparative analogy.
Pencils down. Let’s see how you scored.
Holy shit, you don’t know me OR Halloween at all, do you? Too bad. The perfect-score winner gets this Mr. Goodbar I’ve been warming between my legs since The Rocky Horror Picture Show opened in 1975.
Huh? My costume this year?
I’m going as a rock-hard Tootsie Roll from three Halloweens ago that nobody wants… but sluttier.
© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.