by Joe Buonfiglio
So here we go; yet another manifestation of the science-fiction saga that just refuses to die: Star Wars. Blah-blah-blah here comes the Galactic Empire blah-blah-bah the allies face a new threat from an unconscionable evil blah-blah-blah there’ll be a shitload of stormtroopers running around blah-blah-blah rake in the mountains of cash.
Don’t get me wrong. I know this sounds as if I don’t appreciate the iconic series of movies in all its cinematic incarnations. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Let me make this perfectly clear:
I. LOVE. STAR WARS!
I do. I really, REALLY do!
It’s just that … well … there are some things I was hoping to see as part of the script for this latest version of the films. And so, with that in mind, here are the things I REALLY would like to appear up on the big screen in the new Star Wars flick:
— In a bizarre plot twist born of a time warp from an alternate universe driven by the singularity of a black hole, the Starship Enterprise mysteriously appears out of nowhere. Captain Kirk dramatically walks up to his bridge viewscreen to gaze upon the Star Wars astronomical battlefront and utters the immortal words, “What the fuck?”
— Clones appear not in protective headgear, but in classic mime whiteface. As if willed by The Force itself, armies of clones must simultaneously perform the “I’m stuck in a box!” shtick with precision choreography prior to launching an attack. This way, killing them will be far more satisfying for the audience.
— To the surprise of fanboys and fangirls everywhere, it is revealed that the entire Star Wars universe exists in a water closet within a long-forgotten gay bathhouse deep in the bowels of Doctor Who‘s TARDIS.
— The main character is an intergalactic proctological dentist who spends the entire movie going around asking to examine all the Wookiees’ anal cavities.
— C-3PO is melted down and sold in a late-night “buy gold” infomercial by actor William Duvane.
— Han Solo commits suicide when he learns that the evil empire controlled by The Dark Side of The Force has been using his name to refer to the ancient art of manual self-pleasuring for years.
— The return of Jar Jar Binks, only this time, he comes back as a less-reviled character with a ravenous appetite for the mutant asparagus-people of Tandoor 5 called “Pee Pee Stinks.”
There now. You see? That wasn’t so bad. I’m sure all Star Wars fans everywhere can embrace these trivial changes in a way that we all will enj—
Uh-oh. This is a problem. I think The Force just awakened my Obi-Wan. I’ve got a raging Kenobi right now.
No, I won’t stick it in your Endor. What kind of Ewok do you take me for?!
Wait a minute. Did Mel Brooks already do all this in Spaceballs?
© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.