The Twelve Days of (an Absurdist) Christmas

…with apologies to English composer Frederic Austin who is credited for having first introduced the now familiar prolongation of the verse “five gold rings” in the original version….


Ah, never mind.  Fuck him!  I’ve got to bang out this shit and get back to writing up my obligatory Christmas cards.

Christmas Absurd-1

by Joe Buonfiglio

As if the original version of The Twelve Days of Christmas — with its geese dropping eggs everywhere, the neighborhood milkmaids running amok and ten lords incessantly leaping over nine dancing ladies who you just know were naked during all that erotic boogying — wasn’t enough, I had to go and make it even weirder.

Let’s just call it my merry little Christmas gift to you and move on, shall we?

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
(THE ABSURDIST VERSION)

On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
A shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings (5 colon slings)
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Eight Maids a Milking…
…Why fuck with perfection
when it gives me an erection?
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
What the fuck is that thing?
Eight Maids a Milking…
…Why fuck with perfection
when it gives me an erection?
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
How long must I do this?
What the fuck is that thing?
Eight Maids a Milking…
…Why fuck with perfection
when it gives me an erection?
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
This is total bullshit!
How long must I do this?
What the fuck is that thing?
Eight Maids a Milking…
…Why fuck with perfection
when it gives me an erection?
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shit-flinging shaved monkey.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
Twelve plumbers cumming
This is total bullshit!
How long must I do this?
What the fuck is that thing?
Eight Maids a Milking…
…Why fuck with perfection
when it gives me an erection?
Seven johns a rimming
Six police a spraying
Fiiiiiiiive coooo-lon sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiings
Four balling nerds
Three nudie pens
Two OJ gloves
and a shiiiiiit-flinging shaaaaved monnnnnnkeeeeeeeey.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good ni— Oh God, I hate the holidays.  Hand over the spiked eggnog.  I’m going to down that shit until I actually start having visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.

© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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