…or Gestalt This, Motherfucker!


by Joe Buonfiglio






Let’s be honest, my friends. The Land of the Free might need a time out at best and some serious fucking psychotherapy at worst.  This Red-Blue, Right-Left, Conservative-Liberal, Republican-Democrat schism is a mental rupture of Grand Canyon proportions.

Did I say Grand Canyon? I meant black hole ripping apart the space-time continuum of civilized society.  It’s not only unbecoming; it’s downright dangerous.


Well, what would you call it when the most powerful nation in the world loses its mind, metaphorically speaking? Sigmund Freud on his best day sucking on his fattest cigar would throw his hands up in defeat after only a few minutes with America on the couch.

Uncle Sam has lost any semblance of logical thought; he’s abandoned the ability to reason.

Don’t believe me? Here are some basic questions a psychiatrist might ask in trying to determine if a patient — in this case, the good ‘ol US of A — is schizophrenic and has lost the ability to engage in rational, logical thought, and bought a one-way ticket on the train to Crazy Town….


SHRINK: “So, America, do believe that others are in control of what you think and feel?”

AMERICA: “Why would you say such a thing? That’s outrageous!  Preposterous!  Of all the unmitigated gall!  I ought to sue your ass for defamation of character just for mentioning tha—  I’m sorry.  Can we continue this later?  Fox News is on.”


SHRINK: “Okay. So.  Do you see and hear things that others do not?”

AMERICA: “I’m Evangelical. Does that count?”


SHRINK: “Do you often feel as if it is impossible for you to express yourself in words that others can understand?”

AMERICA: “WAR ON CHRISTMAS!  WAR ON CHRISTMAS!  WAR ON CHRISTMAS! … … See.  Nothin’.  It’s as if they don’t even know there’s a war on.”


SHRINK: “Do you have the belief that you have absolutely nothing in common with anyone else, including friends and family?”

AMERICA: “Fuck yeah!  Have you seen Twitter?  Forget illegal immigrants sneaking across my ass to steal my jobs; what about North Korea?  Kim Jong-un’s tweets alone make me want to build a wall around myself!”


SHRINK: “Do you believe in more than one thing about reality and the world around you that nobody else seems to believe besides you?”

AMERICA: “Racism is no longer an issue in me, so Affirmative Action is no longer needed; going to war in Iraq was a smart move; global economic crash or not, synthetic CDOs were a great idea; high-fructose corn syrup is perfectly healthy; fracking doesn’t cause earthquakes and poison the water…. Do you want more?  I’ve got more.”


SHRINK: “Do others not believe you when you tell them what you see and hear?”

AMERICA: “Die in jihad and get 72 virgins in the Afterlife? Ridiculous!  Reincarnated and come back to Earth in another life?  Absurd!  A virgin birth creating a demigod who is also God?  Completely plausible and the ultimate truth….  So? … What do you think?”


SHRINK: “Are you not able to trust what you’re thinking, because you don’t know if it’s real or not?”

AMERICA: “Let’s see… Alcoholic? The answer is less booze.  Drug addict?  The answer is less drugs.  Excessive gun violence?  The answer is MORE GUNS! Seems as if reality to me.”


SHRINK:  “Is it true that you have magical powers that nobody else has, let alone can explain?”

AMERICA: “I can deny Global Climate Change even though the vast majority of scientists in the world say it’s real and well on its way to wiping out the human race. I think that’s pretty fucking magical.”


SHRINK: “Is it hard to concentrate; to get ahold of your thoughts?”

AMERICA: “I’m sorry. I was watching that TV show with all the zombies.  What were you sayi—  Hey, when’s the Super Bowl on?”


SHRINK: “Do you feel you are treated unfairly, because others are jealous of your special abilities?”

AMERICA: “You’re damn right!  American exceptionalism, baby!  My boss is just busting my balls.  So I come in a little late with a touch of Irish whiskey on my breath.  Is that any reason to dock me pa—  No, it’s the fucking fascist state taxing the shit out of a carton of cigarettes for no damn goo—  No, it’s those stickin’ Mexicans comin’ up here and ruining our way of life with their— Hey, I’m goin’ out to pick up my insulin and some McDonald’s.  You want anything?”


SHRINK: “Can you talk to another person or many people inside your head that nobody else can hear?”

AMERICA: “That would be the American people. Nobody hears them.  Just ask Congress.  They know all about this.”


SHRINK: “Yup. You’re schizophrenic all right. Nothing even remotely logical going on upstairs, I’m afraid.”

AMERICA: “Shhheeeet. I could have told you that.  And it sure ain’t worth no $500 an hour, I can tell you, so shove your bill up your ass.  I ain’t payin’!”


So dear world, there you have it; it’s a pretty irrefutable diagnosis and the future doesn’t look good. The cosmic forces of the universe have begun construction on a massive asylum just for yours truly’s favorite place to get good Chinese takeout and I don’t see any amount of drugs and counselling that’ll get the old girl out of it this time.

However, I actually hope America has gone non compos mentis on your ass, because the alternative is too unbearable to contemplate: that this current state of madness devouring America is not out of our control due to mental illness, but by willful design.

In other words, what if, collectively, Americans aren’t nuts; we’re just assholes?

For if that is the case, even if half the country will be outraged, maybe America should apologize. Maybe if we minded our own business every now and then instead of getting all up in the grill of both our next-door neighbors and our global neighbors, we’d all be saner, happier and better o—

On second thought, screw that noise. The US apologize to you?


To Hell with that. The rest of the family of nations is far more cray-cray than we are.  That’s right, Russia and China, Middle East and North Korea; I’m talkin’ to you.

Don’t look at me like that.  You know why.

Not logical?

Fuck you!  We’re the Home of the Brave, not the Domicile of the Rational.


© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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