by Joe Buonfiglio
“I’m giving every adult in America of legal drinking age a six-pack of beer. Sure it’ll be a cheap-ass brand, but it won’t be any light-beer pisswater, that I can promise you!” — Joe Buonfiglio being interviewed upon winning the $1.5 billion Powerball lottery.
Maybe. We’ll have to see; now won’t we? At the time of this writing, the record-breaking Powerball still had not had its numbers drawn, so I was still in the running to have my — as Robin Leach so famously uttered — “champagne wishes and caviar dreams” fulfilled.
But damn: one-and-a-half BILLION dollars!
BILLION! With a “B.”
What would you do with that kind of money suddenly dumped into your bank account? And more importantly, what would I do?
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… buy the McDonald’s home office in Springdale, Arizona, and turn it into my own, private McMansion. The lingering Big Mac odors and Playland equipment alone would be worth it.
Oh, like you weren’t thinking it.
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… buy the LA Zoo just to introduce an unethical primate-penguin breeding program.
Sure. Right. You have absolutely no interest in knowing if an Emperor Orangutan would be “genetically viable” or “potty trainable” or “enjoy the taste of human flesh.”
Okay, you keep playing the moral-compass card. No one is buying it, though.
Do you have any idea what the mammal eggs alone would go for on the black market?!
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… go to Washington, DC, in my private jet, eat tainted Chipotle burritos until I got the trots, and then pay the CIA to sneak me into the National Archives and Records Administration after hours whereby I would proceed to use the decaying parchment of our most revered and precious documents as toilet paper.
Oh, so now I’m the bad guy; as if our current crop of politicians on Capitol Hill don’t already crap all over the US Constitution.
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… pay for the cosmetic surgery of any woman who wanted permanent duck lips … and for any duck who wanted permanent woman lips.
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… make competitive flatulation an official event at the next Summer Olympics, as well as freestyle public urination (a sanctioned pissing one’s name in the snow and speed ice-melting biathlon) the ONLY event(s) at the next Winter Olympics except for the luge. That, of course, would become the frozen loogie.
Use your imagination. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… create a lobbying organization more powerful than the NRA, but for the promotion of legalizing marijuana. Then I would force all states to decriminalize pot through national legislation on the federal level, so everyone in the US could enjoy a nice, fat blunt whenever they wanted.
Except for Texas.
Because fuck you, Texas.
And finally, IF I WON THE WORLD’S LARGEST POWERBALL LOTTERY, I WOULD… introduce National Eat, Drink and Be Merry Day, whereby everyone would be required by law to consume carbs, down massive quantities of dirty martinis and have sex at least six times before the stroke of midnight.
Or, optionally, play naked miniature golf in Orlando as you recite the lyrics to Rocky Horror Picture Show while being whipped by a dwarf dominatrix during sadomasochistic sexual activities devised by the less disciplined self-flagellatatory monk orders of old.
Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’ll do both! Because fuck it, I’m a billionaire now. Having to avoid or even choose between expensive vices isn’t for me anymore; that’s for all the poor commoners, the masses, the hoi polloi, the great unwashed, the mere millionaires out there wandering the littered streets.
Hmmm. I wonder if sacrificing virgins to a volcano god is out of the question.
Get me the governor of Hawaii on the phone. I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.
© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.