by Joe Buonfiglio
Years and years ago, I used to do what I called Improvisational Stream-of-Consciousness Absurdist-Humor Workouts. I’d go for exactly two minutes in a set character (of which “Grandpa Joe” was one) in a nonstop monologue. Other than being two minutes long without pause, the only criteria were that I could not break character, it always had to start with “I remember…” and it always had to end with “Well, at least that’s how I remember it.” That’s it. It was a little bit of Theatre of the Absurd delivered in a manner of which Jack Kerouac would probably have approved; from brain to mouth to mic without hiatus of narrative.
Looking for content to put up on my newly formed YouTube channel, this seemed as if it might be a fun bit of drivel to resurrect from the vault of a past life and see where it takes me. While I diligently work on the video version, here’s a transcript of the improvisational dialogue for the rising phoenix that is first Random Memories of Grandpa Joe out of the gate. (The audio will follow.)
So, here we go. “Tell us a story, Grandpa Joe…”
I remember when I was just a lee-little lad and I’d go roaming around the streets of Brooklyn looking for a giant salamander to share my scrumptious strawberry with. But upon looking closer, I discovered dinosaurs were wearing saddles and roaming the streets singing, “Hey-hey, come ride me for free.” And then of course, as soon as the children got close, the would eat them in a horrible and brutal way which made me very sad for a moment, but then I remember that yogurt was free over on South Street. So I’d wander that way and find the man who was in the white, unmarked van saying, “Hey, you want some sprinkles for your yogurt? I’ve got puppies.” And I’m like, “No, that doesn’t seem kosher to me.” So I’d go to the public library whereby teachers would swarm like bees in some sort of crazed honey festival looking for big, big bowls of fresh M&Ms. And everyone loves M&Ms. I-I’m a peanut one myself, but not a fan of them for eating them; I’m actually a giant peanut M&M. And this is why I can’t be kept outs-doors with major sunstroke as a, as a problem, because I, I just don’t like the way ya’, ya’ just get into a car and ride and ride and ride and ride and the next you know, you’re just sitting there naked in the middle of the street going, “Officer, I don’t know how this happened. Can I have a slice of your pizza?” But he had a tuna-fish sandwich, not pizza, so he was not happy about it all and sent me to prison where I stood the last forty years. No one even convicted me of nuthin’ and I just found that to be rebellious, and maybe the United States Supreme Court should considering making M&Ms illegal, ’cause that’s how this all started and oh my God, the phone’s ringing. Well, at least that’s how I remember it.
I hope you enjoyed that. Here’s the audio version for your listening pleasure:
Remember to keep checking for the YouTube video of this high weirdness coming soon to my new YouTube channel. The link is provided below…
© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.