MY GIFT TO YOU (THAT DOESN’T REALLY EXIST)

or
If I Ruled Virtual Reality

 Virtual reality 3 View-Master_with_Reel

by Joe Buonfiglio

Virtually reality; a cornucopia of mind-deceiving amusement and wonder. One can choose from non-immersive desktop systems, semi-immersive projection systems and fully immersive head-mounted display systems from an array of brand options such as Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, PlayStation VR, Samsung Gear VR, LG 360 VR, Google Cardboard…

virtual reality 2 Google-Cardboard

… or the Zeiss VR One and One GX. There’s even “augmented reality” systems such as the Microsoft HoloLens.

It’s mindboggling … quite literally.

But if I ruled the virtual realm, I’d give it all to you for free. That’s right — FREE! But with one liiiiiiiiittle catch; one teensy-weensy caveat:

I control ALL of the content.

So you get it at no cost to you, but you only see what I want you to see. My gift to you would be a lifetime of free virtual reality … with me controlling all that you and your family watched.

virtual reality 1

However, you need not worry.  You’re in good hands with VR content provided by Joe Buonfiglio’s Bad Brain Industries™.  Here are some of the magical bits of virtual-content wonder you can expect to enjoy in my VR world.

NAKED OSCARS: In this virtual reality game, your favorite Hollywood celebrities walk the pre-Oscars red carpet completely nude. The good news is this plays right into your most cherished sexual fantasies.  The bad news is the virtual commentator never asks what their wearing.

ALTAR BOY’S REVENGE: A pedophile priest is pitted against an altar boy with a newly sharpened pair of garden shears. The sacramental wine won’t be the only thing flowing crimson.

FART TRANSLATOR: Based on the strength and tenor of your flatulent activity, this VR creation will visually manufacture a character or creature to match the visual representation and “personality” of your anal acoustics.  A sweet little poot and you might generate a small child licking an ice cream cone on the playground in the park. A bombastic blast and you could spawn an entire battle scene from Star Wars.

IMPORTANT — Large, aromatically caustic wet farts void the manufacturer’s warranty and force you to play the rest of the game in “pariah mode.”

THE JELLYFISH HOEDOWN: In this VR realm, an old, bald, fat guy jumps from foot to foot in the ocean desperately trying to avoid having his balls stung by a jellyfish. The bigger the bloom, the faster he dances.  You can play as the obese beachgoer, the jellyfish, the lifeguard, the paramedic or the ambulance driver.  Nail the old dude’s testicles; they swell up and explode.

(Shark-attraction feature optional.)

Now that’s what I call “red tide.”

JOCKSTRAP CONGRESS: Snap a fume-ridden, filthy jockstrap in the face of a member of the US Congress (representative or senator) every time they stand up and say something stupid.  Play as a House or Senate page, a journalist or the generic “American citizen.”

“Mister Speaker, I’m introducing a bill to remove evolution from all textbooks nationally and replace it with the Creation story from the Bi—”

SMACK!

“Holy fudge! Did you just smack me in the face with a jockstra—”

SMACK! SMACK-SMACK-SMACK!

Now THAT’S government of the people, by the people and for the people, my friends.

And finally…

FUCK THE PENGUIN: Really?  Does this one need explanation?

Huh?

What do you mean you would have preferred “FUCK THE MONKEY“?

Oh my God! What kind of sick, twisted son of a bitch are you?

Seriously.  That’s just gross.

So, there you have it. My virtual reality virtual wishlist for you.  And remember, it’s all the world of make-believe.  No penguins were harmed in the making of this VR game.

Priests, on the other hand…

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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