by Joe Buonfiglio
WELCOME TO BUONFIGLIO UNIVERSITY™.
Here at BU, the nation’s most successful— Uh, the nation’s most respected— Um, well, hmmmm… the nation’s oldest online university dedicated to developing your dream of becoming a career Absurdist, we strive to move beyond the basics of surreality.
At Buonfiglio University, you’ll take such universally esteemed courses as:
*Salvador Dali: Madman or Too Often Pantsed as a Child;
*Albert Camus: Father of Modern Absurdism or Unsavory Penguin Consort;
*Sisyphus: THIS TIME It’ll Stay Up the Goddamn Hill;
* Is an Absurdist Just a Nihilist’s Dream?
*Monkey-Fucker: Is It Better Than Cannibalism as a Lifestyle Choice?
*Are Dental Implants Ever Acceptable in the Anal Cavity?
*ABSURDISM 101 — The Absurdist’s Fallback Formula: “I wanted to be _______, but _______ were _______ in my _______.”
*The Three Things You Learn When Stuck in an Elevator with the Flatulent;
*Life Has No Inherent Value or Meaning: A Corndog’s Perspective (AKA If Satan Existed, Would He Create Mustard?)
*Time Travel: The ONLY Possible Reason Why Cotton Candy Exists;
* Søren Kierkegaard: Philosophy, Existentialism and the Pursuit of the Internal Combustion Hermaphrodite;
* Public Service: Not as Much Fun as it Sounds (AKA What Do You Mean It’s Stuck! My Husband Will Be Home at Any Minute!)
* Why the Box Office is Always Closed at the Theatre of the Absurd;
* Monday Says it All (AKA Perhaps the Nihilists are Right)
* The Meaningless State of the Universe (AKA Is This Booger God?)
* Social Media, the Downfall of Society and the Link Between Sex, Inanimate Objects and the 1984 Dodge Omni;
* Transcendentalism and the Absurdist: Looking for God in All the Wrong Places or How I Found My Spirituality in a Bowl of Gazpacho;
* Advanced Absurdity: Why Such a Thing as Los Angeles Exists;
*The Metaphilosophical Method: The Philosophy of Philosophy or de Facto Absurdism (AKA Standing Paralyzed as the Toilet Backs Up)
*The Illusion of Free Will: If Choice is Real, Then Why Does Plain Yogurt Exist?
We even offer advanced degrees in Théâtre de l’Absurde for those wishing to avoid mainstream society as long as humanly possible while continuing to live in their parents’ basement next to the excruciatingly ancient washing machine that incessantly spits soap bubbles as if it were sentient and determined to undermine your self-respect … as if you had any … which you don’t … which is why you’re studying Absurdism at Buonfiglio University.
So enroll now! Operators are standing by to take your six-question application. (Name? Social Security number? Credit card number? Credit card limit? Gamer username? Gamer password?)* **
*No one with an active (non-suspended) credit card and a credit limit of at least $300.27 will be turned down…. … … unless their gamer username lacks creative flair or their password contains the numbers 1234 in sequential order.
** Even we can only handle so many dullard dumbasses per year.
© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.
All photos/memes are © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.