TWUMPS!

Twitter-Induced Trumpian Political Commentary

twump

by
Joe Buonfiglio

As the idiomatic curtain begins to fall on the presidential campaigns for 2016 — the act of which may finally prove the existence of a loving God — I’d like to offer up some Trump-inspired delights delivered unto the Twitterverse through the Absurdist filter of my admittedly warped grey matter. While these tweets reflect the political-campaign mayhem over an extended period of time, it is my intent this will only help you properly reminisce via the nightmarish memories you’ve suppressed deep, DEEP, DEEP down about this year’s incredibly classy and utterly civil presidential campaign season.

With this in mind, I hope you enjoy my TWUMPS!

No, not a $20 dollar bag of dope! I mean THIS….

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What is it that really scares the hell out of me?

Things that go Trump in the night.

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FBI: Hillary eats live babies while she’s naked on The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland.

ME: STILL better than the gropin’ racist A-hole!

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“I love her for her intelligence and her strong sense of self.”

*Things you should never hold your breath waiting for Trump to say.*

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I just awoke from a nap where I dreamt Donald Trump was the US president. Actually, it– How did this wall get built around my genitalia?

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If I win tonight’s $1.5 billion Powerball lottery, I’m going to sue Donald Trump just for the fun of it. Hey, what’s good for the goose…

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The Republican debate just started. It’s better than tickets to the circus… although, the circus has far less elephant shit.

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I just saw “DONALD TRUMP: Night of the Living Hair.” It’s the scariest horror ever! The Muslim jump-scare scene made me piss myself.

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ME: “There’s nothing in the Trump of my car, officer. Why? Is there a problem?”

COP: “We’ve gotten reports that he’s– What did you say?!”

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Pope Francis on Donald Trump: Building walls instead of bridges is “not Christian.” How pissed do you think God gets if you sue the Pope?

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Generally speaking about nobody specific, can you develop and run a casino-resort and not be in bed with the mob? I’m asking for a friend.

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I’m amazed at how Christian “believers” devotedly follow Donald Trump. In my opinion, the guy PERFECTLY fits the profile of the Antichrist.

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So, here’s what I’ve learned from the American system of political debates…

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Build a wall across the South? We should build a quarantine wall around the whole country, because we Americans have lost our fucking minds.

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You know why Trump has to do a combover? So news cameras can’t see the 666.

Okay, please don’t sue me, I’m– aaand I’m being served papers.

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Dragging my ass. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of the GOP debate and the big question:

Did Ted Cruz eat a booger on live television?

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There is only one reason why I’d want Trump to become the next US president.

I own one of these still in the box:

trump-in-a-box

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Voting today feels as if shopping at a secondhand store and deciding which cuckoo clock I want to live in for 4-8 years.

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ME: “I’ve decided to buy a gun to protect us from all the NRA gun nuts.”

HER: “Okay…. … … Wait. What?”

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Donald Trump running for president is all just an April Fools’ joke, right?

Oh, thank God. For a minute there, I–

What?

SON OF A BITCH!

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Trump and what he represents scare the hell out of me, but not because he isn’t in touch with the American people…

…but because he is.

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Interesting point: My worst-performing tweets mention Donald Trump or anal.

Coincidence?

Oh, I think not, my little friend. I think not.

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Conservatives: You do know gay folks won’t show up at your church naked and screw on your altar, right?

Except Bob and Gary.

Total freaks.

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What would Jesus do?

Well, move out of North Carolina for a start.

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Muslims?

No, I think we should keep billionaires out of the country until we can find out “what’s going on.”

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Why such controversy over Trump University? Students were promised they’d learn to be more like Donald Trump.

They certainly learned that.

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I’m sorry for all of the Trump jokes I’ve been tweeting lately. I just couldn’t help myself.

I never could resist low-hanging fruit.

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Every time Donald Trump says “Believe me” and it makes your skin crawl, do a shot of top-shelf tequila.

I’ve been drunk for months now.

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Just listened to Donald Trump speaking in NC.

Is it just me, or does he sound like Willy Wonka after an LSD binge.

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Listening to Trump speak at a rally in Ohio.

Sorry, folks, but I want my president’s vocabulary to be more expansive than a 3rd grader’s.

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If white guy after white guy got killed by black cops in the same way, would Fox News still say the videos don’t tell the whole story.

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NEWS ANCHOR: “How do you respond to the accusation that you speak on the level of a 5-year-old child?”

DONALD TRUMP: “I poopied.”

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When they say they’re tired of the “elites” running things, are they talking about … smart people?

So, they want dumbasses in charge?

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So, you believe if we give massive tax breaks to the ultra-wealthy, they won’t just pocket the money, but it will “trickle down” to … you?

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For a couple of homophobes, this is the gayest logo I’ve ever seen…

–AND–

Sure they’re both raging homophobes, but this logo makes me realize this ticket will put Trump on top.

original-t-p-logo

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I don’t understand why everyone is so surprised that Melania plagiarized Michelle. The Donald plagiarized Mussolini, for Christ’s sake!

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Twenty bucks if you go into the convention wearing a “Black Lives Matter” T-shirt and spark up a nice, fat blunt in front of Rudy Giuliani.

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I’m convinced God created Donald Trump simply because He wanted Johnny Depp to have a character to play later in life.

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Uh, maybe Trump ending his acceptance speech with “LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!” was a little over the top.

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“Open carry,” because it’s what Jesus would have wanted.

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“Great Leader” Trump is an authoritarian seeking to manipulate the masses by inflaming raw emotion.

Now where in history have we seen that?

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I LOVE Mexican food. But after that all-you-can-eat taco bar, I just took the biggest Trump of my life.

Typo?

What typo?

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How political currency works: one pence = two trumps, but one pence and one trump = two assholes. Two assholes = one Republican ticket.

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How will I get through the Democrats’ convention? Every time the Bernie supporters boo Hillary, I do a shot.

I’ve been drunk since noon.

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“I’m an energy voter.”

“Fuck you.”

“But I’m an en–”

“No, go fuck yourself. Shove your frack up your crack.”

“I–”

“Frack. Your crack.”

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Bill Clinton gave a great speech last night. I just wish Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” didn’t play in my mind’s ear whenever I see him.

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Turns out Trump is a relative of mine. He’s my Auntie Christ.

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Jesus, can we just vote now?! By November, news reporters will be getting the “But he was quiet; kept to himself” speech from my neighbors.

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Those of us who live in the South aren’t all racist, homophobic, gun-nut pieces of shit.

Granted, some of us are.

Okay, a LOT of us are.

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Okay, all you political naysayers dissing the current state of presidential campaigning in America, here’s something good…

I got nuthin’.

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Trump is so far behind Clinton, is there still a path to the White House for him?

Of course! He’ll just stay on the sociopath he’s been on.

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Trump’s big last-ditch outreach to African-American voters is, “What have you got to lose?”

Seriously?

Uh, try “a fuckload.”

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What do Trump and an illegal immigrant have in common?

They’re both different people depending on what side of Mexico’s border they’re on.

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I’m not buying Gary Johnson’s excuse that he thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

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It’s as if Giuliani is Gollum and Trump is “My precious!”

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America is “a house divided.” Each half thinks the other half are assholes.

We must come together and accept that we are all assholes.

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If the karmic forces of the universe want to reveal their existence to humankind, Donald Trump must be run over by a Cheetos delivery truck.

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A debate between Trump and Clinton will do a lot to change people’s minds and sway voters.

And by “a lot” I mean “absolutely nothing.”

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DEBATE STANDARDS:

If Clinton is highly professional and cures cancer, she wins.

If Trump acts human and doesn’t drop the N-word, he wins.

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Trump’s naked twerk was the highlight of the debate.

Although Clinton’s coming in like a wrecking ball was highly entertaining, too.

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The Trump-Clinton presidential debate last night was as if witnessing a crab pissed off about being boiled argue with an overly oiled robot.

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Lead post-debate story on Fox News: “Hillary forced to admit Trump was able to hold that big glass of water with those tiny, tiny hands.”

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Okay, new disclaimer for politics in America:

“Seek help for an election lasting more than 4 hours.”

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If the citizenry of this country still supports Donald Trump in any significant way after P-gate, perhaps he is the president we deserve.

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How can my wilted salad solve the problem if it can’t even say the words “radical balsamic terror”?

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I just bought my costume for Hallowee– AH! AAAAAAH! IT BURNS! BURNS! DON’T BUY THE DONALD TRUMP MASK! IT WON’T COME OFF! IT WON’T COME OFF!

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If Hillary Clinton said, “I can grab them by their dicks,” you think the Basket of Deplorables would say, “Oh, it’s just locker room talk.”

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Will somebody PLEASE invent time travel already, so we can transport ourselves to November 9th.

Doctor Who be real Doctor Who be real….

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I agree with Trump 100% on this one; for the sake of the country, his supporters absolutely must get out and vote for him on November 28th.

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Donald Trump wants to be president only because the position of God wasn’t open.

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How can so many Americans still support Trump?

Paraphrasing Alfred in the The Dark Knight, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.”

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Don’t tweet about Trump today. Don’t tweet about Trump today. Don’t twee– TRUMP’S A DEPLORABLE RACIST HOMOPHOBIC SEXUAL PREDATOR!

Damn.

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The only thing truly impacted by this election is my colon.

No, seriously, I need a ride to the emergency room.

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I want to take a moment to talk about all the important world events cable news covered besides US politics.

There was– no.

So– no.

Uh.

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I’d call Donald Trump a pig, but I have too much respect for pigs, relatively speaking.

More bacon?

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White shirts? Trump would look better in a brown shirt, no?

Custom fit, of course.

And made in China, because, you know, “good business.”

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Try to get into someone’s pants by taking them furniture shopping?

I gotta admit, Donny, it’s different.

Still deplorable, but different.

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To my mind, there are only two possible explanations for Donald Trump: raging narcissism or demon possession.

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And finally, this tweet, because some things just aren’t remotely funny:

If I lose, the election is rigged?

Seriously?

Trump isn’t just being a big baby with this; he’s a threat to American democracy itself.

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*Sin título-1.twitter-button.youtubelogo-20120605T021741-6mjjuus*

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

“Trump-in-a-Box” photo © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

TWUMPS™ and TWUMPS!™

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