Is This the PERFECT Absurdist Meme?

Is It Possible? Could One Bizarre Line Fit All?

by Joe Buonfiglio

MEMES: Those addictive digitally transmitted photos captioned with humorous expressions designed to lampoon or call attention to that which the creator feels deserves a little public ridicule or even societal examination. However, they often do not aspire to such loftier satirical ideals and just try to be funny for funny’s sake or, in my case, WEIRD for weirdness’ sake.

As a self-proclaimed “Literary Absurdist,” I found myself on a quest to create not just the perfect meme, but the perfect ABSURDIST meme. Was there one meme-formatted caption that could speak the language of Absurdism so well that it translated any picture to which it attached itself into the type of Absurdist-meme gold that would make Albert Camus or Salvador Dali sigh with utter joy?

While this may be an entirely unattainable goal, I nonetheless shall endeavor to make the attempt.

The absurdist phrase that my grey cells eventually concocted and settle upon:

IT IS A SAD DAY IN THE LITERARY WORLD
WHEN PLEASURING ONESELF CANNOT REPRESENT THE ARCHETYPAL CHARACTER ARC

To my mind, it is a flawless randomly bizarre caption. Now, does it express itself as the true representation of absurdist wonder by translating that arbitrary strangeness to any photo or illustration it adorns?

Let’s find out, shall we? Here are 25 images randomly selected (Yes, honestly!) from my digital library to use as backdrop in combination with the “perfect absurdist caption” to create memes d’ ludicrous art:

 

I think I’ve made my point.

You’re welcome, by the way.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

Something Absurd This Way Comes…

Something wonderfully absurd is coming….
… Something absurdly wonderful!

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from the mind of Joe Buonfiglio

In the coming months, JoeBuonfiglio.com (AKA LiteraryAbsurdist.com) will undergo a bizarre transformation from its currently simplistic little pupa of a website into the darkly humorous absurd butterfly it deserves to be. So don’t miss any of the delightfully weird splendor to come…

SUBSCRIBE NOW!

Go to the subscription-sidebar on this page or click on the “Follow Joe” button down in the corner and you won’t miss a second of my Bizarro Blast that’s inching its way toward this website’s reality as you read this.

See you soon!

No, really. I’m outside your bedroom window with a cellphone camera, a box of wine and some Twinkies right now.

THE END IS NEAR!
(But the beginning is nearer.)

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos are © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

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Welcome to BUONFIGLIO UNIVERSITY ™

BU MEME

by Joe Buonfiglio

WELCOME TO BUONFIGLIO UNIVERSITY™.

Here at BU, the nation’s most successful— Uh, the nation’s most respected— Um, well, hmmmm… the nation’s oldest online university dedicated to developing your dream of becoming a career Absurdist, we strive to move beyond the basics of surreality.

At Buonfiglio University, you’ll take such universally esteemed courses as:

*Salvador Dali: Madman or Too Often Pantsed as a Child;

*Albert Camus: Father of Modern Absurdism or Unsavory Penguin Consort;

*Sisyphus: THIS TIME It’ll Stay Up the Goddamn Hill;

* Is an Absurdist Just a Nihilist’s Dream?

*Monkey-Fucker: Is It Better Than Cannibalism as a Lifestyle Choice?

*Are Dental Implants Ever Acceptable in the Anal Cavity?

*ABSURDISM 101 — The Absurdist’s Fallback Formula: “I wanted to be _______, but _______ were _______ in my _______.”

*The Three Things You Learn When Stuck in an Elevator with the Flatulent;

*Life Has No Inherent Value or Meaning: A Corndog’s Perspective (AKA If Satan Existed, Would He Create Mustard?)

*Time Travel: The ONLY Possible Reason Why Cotton Candy Exists;

* Søren Kierkegaard: Philosophy, Existentialism and the Pursuit of the Internal Combustion Hermaphrodite;

* Public Service: Not as Much Fun as it Sounds (AKA What Do You Mean It’s Stuck! My Husband Will Be Home at Any Minute!)

* Why the Box Office is Always Closed at the Theatre of the Absurd;

* Monday Says it All (AKA Perhaps the Nihilists are Right)

* The Meaningless State of the Universe (AKA Is This Booger God?)

* Social Media, the Downfall of Society and the Link Between Sex, Inanimate Objects and the 1984 Dodge Omni;

* Transcendentalism and the Absurdist: Looking for God in All the Wrong Places or How I Found My Spirituality in a Bowl of Gazpacho;

* Advanced Absurdity: Why Such a Thing as Los Angeles Exists;

*The Metaphilosophical Method: The Philosophy of Philosophy or de Facto Absurdism (AKA Standing Paralyzed as the Toilet Backs Up)

*The Illusion of Free Will: If Choice is Real, Then Why Does Plain Yogurt Exist?

AND MORE….

We even offer advanced degrees in Théâtre de l’Absurde for those wishing to avoid mainstream society as long as humanly possible while continuing to live in their parents’ basement next to the excruciatingly ancient washing machine that incessantly spits soap bubbles as if it were sentient and determined to undermine your self-respect … as if you had any … which you don’t … which is why you’re studying Absurdism at Buonfiglio University.

So enroll now! Operators are standing by to take your six-question application. (Name? Social Security number? Credit card number? Credit card limit? Gamer username? Gamer password?)* **

*No one with an active (non-suspended) credit card and a credit limit of at least $300.27 will be turned down…. … … unless their gamer username lacks creative flair or their password contains the numbers 1234 in sequential order.

** Even we can only handle so many dullard dumbasses per year.

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos/memes are © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

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MORE “ABSURDISM 101”

Short Bursts of Madness

shopping cart rusting

by Joe Buonfiglio

I’m still catching a ton of flak from many of you for the length of these Potpourri of the Damned posts.

“I love your wonderfully weird stuff, Joe, but it’s too fucking long. It’s not like I don’t have shit to do.”

First of all, it is surely not my fault that in this newspapers-are-dead sound-bite-driven 140-characters-or-less world of ours that we have all developed the attention spans of gnats. If “patience is a virtue,” then clearly the contemporary state of Humanity is at a moral disadvantage.  So if you’re looking for short bursts of dark humor, you should head over to my Twitter page @JoeBuonfiglio (https://twitter.com/JoeBuonfiglio).  You’ll find comicality more in line with your impatient persona there aplenty.

However, in a momentary skinny-dip into the pool of my own weakness, I will temporarily adapt the business mantra declaring that the customer is always right, and thus offer up some literary fare potentially less taxing on your cognitive inadequacies.

In the past, this blog has provided a mini-course in Absurdism; let this piece now serve as both a refresher and means of your continuing education….

MORE ABSURDISM 101

“While Mrs. Bridalbaum wanders the Earth in search of fresh penguins, Pompeii decides it is time for the weenie roast to begin.”

“As Elizabeth worried that her lack of panties would be betrayed as she mounted her steed sidesaddle, the massive explosion at the cucumber processing plant left the whole town in a pickle.”

“Though distraught that the vacuum cleaner refused to release his genitalia, Mr. Blume was thrilled to see that his cupcakes had baked to perfection.”

“I was well aware that feeding the garden gnomes was punishable by excessive fines, but my artisanal flatulence protected me from the emotional spiral.”

“While the ironically sentient shopping cart spent an eternity rusting in its incessant abandonment, Colonel Pickering plotted a pincer movement against his own testicles.”

“While Bob sucked on the tailpipe of his broken dreams, his significant other exuded all the confidence necessary to defeat the Millennials horde.”

“If pink is the new black, then elderberries are the new Manifest Destiny.”

“Curly Sue recognized her departure from the traditions of fashion, but time-travel melancholy will always trump thee-of-a-kind in a pumpkin patch.”

“Don’t tell me of your inane problems when spread out before you like so much apple butter on toast is a world of edible underwear and discarded dignity.”

“I’d stop and smell the roses more often were it not for the unnerving uncertainty of unexpected alien anal probes.”

“The peach trees are trying to kill us. You can never take your eyes off their delicious children….  Not for even a moment….  Ever.”

“My toilet was clogged by the inevitable rush of pre-Yuletide indignation.”

“While Roseanne’s poops always resembled iconic western heroes, the glass museum’s admission prices moved beyond the reach of the lower-income classes.”

“The eggplant’s posture was excellent, but Uncle Tony’s ‘dance of the breadcrumbs’ left something to be desired.”

“As the crustaceans rose from the sea en masse to consume Los Angeles, Wee Willie Winkie yanked on his dinkie.”

“Painfully reclusive eighth-grade English teacher Esmerelda Langtooth dramatically choked on a chicken-parmesan sub alone in her Coney Island apartment, while simultaneously in Scotland, little Suzie McDermish twirled her hair in a most sinister manner while assessing the ramifications surrounding the moisture content of her undergarments.”

“I wanted to congratulate you on your unyielding survival techniques, but the radiator cap unceremoniously lodged within the teddy bear’s erogenous zone left the concerns of the stolen refrigerator-door handle unrequited.”

And finally…

“While Sister Sloth fleshed out a plan to chill the Earth’s core with cups of frozen yogurt, the end of Joe’s silly little blog was as inevitable as his propensity to throw meth parties and his suspicious addiction to bikini waxes.”

ABSURDISM 101™
© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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IT’S THE END OF EVERYTHING!

or
What’s with All the Monkey Fucking?

monkeys - see no evil

by Joe Buonfiglio

You may have noticed that I not-so cleverly blew off my last two weeks of blog entries. Well, there is actually a good reason for this act of apathetically wanton procrastination. I’m not sure what is going on in your part of the world; but where I am, the Apocalypse has started.

That’s right, my friends. It’s the Apocalypse with a capital “A.” The Ultimate Omega. The End to top all Ends. The Big Kahuna of dire denouements. The “All your paper money ain’t worth shit now!” of societal epilogues on a biblical scale.  And so far, I don’t see anybody just mysteriously disappearing while leaving their clothes on the stool with a hot cup of coffee and a half-eaten chocolate doughnut still on the counter a la the Rapture. It didn’t happen to any of my friends at any rate, and it sure as hell didn’t happen to me.

I knew I was gonna get burned in the end by this whole Agnostic thing.

So far, I’m making due.  While I’m getting a little bored consuming nothing but cling peaches and cold canned lentil soup, stashing all those printed porn magazines instead of relying on the Internet over the years is certainly making this homemade bunker much more habitable now that electricity is a thing of the past.  Watching all those End Times’ prepper shows on reality TV pre-“It’s all gone to shit!” has certainly paid off in the self-pleasuring department.

Nevertheless, even with all the forethought I put into preparing for this inevitable consequence of humankind’s foolhardy and self-destructive nature, it’s not all guns and roses, so to speak.  The Apocalypse can be a bit of a drag; what with all the opportunistic cannibals, roaming gangs of the highly flatulent engaging in Druidic fart-lighting ceremonies before terrified virginal sacrifices, and, of course, all the incessant monkey-fucking.

What?

Oh.  Right.  As if you wouldn’t be fucking monkeys if it was the end of the world.  Relations with our simian friends never crossed your mind.  That’s just me, I guess.

Fess up!  You know you’d be fucking monkeys and eating pandas just like the rest of us, so don’t go all holier than thou on me.  The world is coming to an end and, if you’re reading this, you haven’t been “taken up.”  It looks as if God ain’t giving you a pass on it all and you’re fucked right along with the rest of us.  So, you might as well try to have some fun with it, right?  Get out there in the fiery abyss and do everything you’ve always wanted to try, but were impeded by all those cumbersome laws and mores civilization imposed upon you before its collapse.

So yes, go fuck a monkey or two.  Nobody is going to look down his or her nose at you.  They’re too busy either saving their own asses or engaging in acts of sex with garden gnomes or other such formerly inappropriate intimacies with inanimate objects.  Go ahead, bang the tailpipe of that classic muscle car your snobbish neighbor rolled out and shoved in your face every weekend for the last six years.

Run naked through Disneyland donning nothing but the sneakers on your feet and an indelible Sharpie in your hand while you race about drawing penises on all the costumed characters’ faces.  You know you’ve wanted to do that to that fucking Little Mermaid for years now.  Smug aquatic bimbo!

Ride through the streets with a shotgun systematically taking out every cyclist you see wearing neon-Lycra shorts so tight they’ve developed permanent camel toe or binding ballsack impressions whether the rider is wearing them or not, yelling “Who has the right-of-way now, bitch!”

Drop your cellphone in the toilet … on purpose.

Let all your gamer friends see you reading a hardcover print-on-paper book in broad daylight.

Sing Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits while you masturbate on the dais of the local town council that approved the rezoning that placed a shopping mall in your backyard while the mayor is tied to his chair with toothpicks forcing his eyelids open.

Burn that shopping mall to the ground.

Burn ALL shopping malls to the ground.

Say “Yankees” without using “Damn” or any other expletive as an adjective first.

Eat an ice cream cone in the summer heat without taking extra napkins.

Admit to your Republican friends that you believe Global Climate Change is real.

Admit to your Democrat friends that government is as much a part of the problem as big business is.

Admit to your religious friends that religion does more good than harm.  Admit to your Atheist friends that religion does more harm than good.  Admit to your Agnostic friends that nobody has a fucking clue as to what’s right when it comes to religion.  Admit to yourself that Cap’n Crunch is the God of breakfast cereals.

If you’ve never done it, have anal sex with your significant other.  You know you’ve always wanted to try it.

If you’ve been having anal sex for years, stop it.  That’s disgusting.

Eat carbohydrates … … … a LOT of them … … … in public.

Steal a city bus and take it on a joyride while humming the theme song to The Love Boat.  (I’ve always wanted to do that.)

Smoke weed right in front of the police station … WITH a cop.

Realize Smokey was right: “Only You Can Prevent Wildfires” … and then light up that tree-huggin’ son of a bitch!  Just set him on fire and throw his preachy ass into a canyon.  If I want to make s’mores in the middle of the woods, I’m gonna make goddamn s’mores in the middle of the goddamn woods!

Drink Irish whiskey until you go tits up with alcohol poisoning right there in front of the kiddies and all the other helicopter parents in your child’s kindergarten class for “Parents Talk About Their Bullshit Jobs Day.”  (However, don’t die choking on your own vomit in front of them; that’s not cool.)

Refuse to clean the toilets in your house until the “red ring of death” gets so bad it uses Toilet Duck as an apéritif right before it crawls up your ass to attend a bacterial lecture in your lower intestine on the mass slaughter of mold throughout history.

Take up smoking again.

Kill your best friend for his or her cigarettes.

Feel sad about that act of murder against someone you care about … and then take the cigs anyway.

Punch a clown.

Kill a mime.

And yes, fuck a monkey.

Therefore and in conclusion, it is time to say goodbye to polite society as we know it.  This is curtain call on the final show.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

Ah, fuck your waitress.  It’s the Apocalypse.

 

© 2015 Joseph P. Buonfiglio        All Rights Reserved.

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ABSURDISM 101

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by Joe Buonfiglio

All right, settle down class.  Welcome to Absurdism 101.

Now, it’s a safe bet most of you are here because of the deal I cut with the football coach.  You get an easy “A” and I get enough warm bodies in the seats to hang on to my cushy professorship for another semester.

So, let’s begin.  What is Absurdism?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “absurdism” is defined as “a philosophy based on the belief that the universe is irrational and meaningless, and that the search for order brings the individual into conflict with the universe.”

In other words, things have gotten so damn weird out there, there’s no sense in — well — trying to make any sense out of it.  In essence, reality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  The purpose of life is to serve no purpose whatsoever.  To my mind, the more utterly bizarre something is, the closer to the true nature of the universe it brings you.

Some of the great philosophic and artistic minds have embraced this belief over the years.  You may be familiar with the works of:

Albert Camus — “Man stands face to face with the irrational.  He feels within him his longing for happiness and for reason.  The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.”

Daniil Kharms — “I am interested only in “nonsense”; only in that which makes no practical sense. I am interested in life only in its absurd manifestations.”

Franz Kafka — “Don Quixote’s misfortune is not his imagination, but Sancho Panza.”

Kurt Vonnegut — “As for myself: I had come to the conclusion that there was nothing sacred about myself or about any human being, that we were all machines, doomed to collide and collide and collide.”

Samuel Beckett — “What do I know about man’s destiny?  I could tell you more about radishes.”

Lewis Carroll — “Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”

Douglas Adams — “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

David Lynch — “Absurdity is what I like most in life, and there’s humor in struggling in ignorance.  If you saw a man repeatedly running into a wall until he was a bloody pulp, after a while it would make you laugh because it becomes absurd.”

And so many, many others.

I truly believe that there is a beauty to the absurdity in and of life.  You know … if you can wrap your mind around monkeys in party hats flying out of your ass in the middle of the night asking you to judge which of them has the best salsa recipe as beautiful.

Now, to me, Absurdism has a rhythm to it; a feel all its own.  It flows.   It sings.  It makes bean counter-types projectile vomit until they need to be hospitalized with dehydration.  It comes out of nowhere without meaning and, yet, somehow encapsulates everything.  See if you can feel the power driven by the words that render your brain powerless.

ABSURDISM 101

Uncle Barney left the porch light on for his stepdaughter, but the gorilla’s incessant shit-flinging had all the zoo patrons demanding their money back.

Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers saw doughnuts merely as the transportable glory hole of choice now that Major Tom had claimed his birthright.

While I view candy corn as comestible perfection, a dolphin vagina has never been elected to the US senate.

Although Mrs. Nickleby eyed the farmer’s chicken coop with lustful intent, the smoked Gouda’s revenge motive would soon reveal itself.

While the wombat was not a fan of hibernation, the timeshare salesman’s addiction to the public display of swaddling blankets forced the SWAT team into action.

While fried chicken for breakfast may not seem reasonable at first blush, Billy lunged at the meerkat king’s freshly rolled blunt anyway.

No matter how many times Bob posted the “Slippery When Wet” sign, there was always some spelunker’s swordfish clogging up the septic tank.

Random acts of kindness aside, I’d like to buy two tickets on the evening train to the cereal aisle, please.

While the church elders frowned upon Margaret’s unremitting yank-fest upon the bovine’s udders, the penguin had to admit the smell of freshly cut salami filled him with wonder.

Now that the winter thaw had revealed there was indeed a Model T at the bottom of the well, Marvin’s fascination with nipple-piercing could begin in earnest.

A penny saved is a chickpea incarcerated.

Sushi night at the guardhouse meant the team mascot could finally achieve full courtesy-flush privileges aboard the cruise ship.

If at first you don’t succeed, try blending in with the top-shelf bottles before the fucking terrapin take another whack at photobombing you.

While Edwina was settling in nicely as the curator of the saltine-art museum, it did not dampen the vampire’s sheer joy at learning he could actually shit bricks.

While Sir Reginald was dismayed by the bard’s refusal to stop bathing the council member’s genitals, the ancient Mayan awoke wondering where everybody went.

I wanted to express my empathy for the broccoli’s mutual disdain for consumption, but the serial taxidermist was unwavering in his support of Charlie’s dried nasal mucus symposium….

Do you get it?

No?

Good.  Then you get it.

But remember, when it comes to Absurdism, just because you love drinking hurricanes in old New Orleans, doesn’t mean time-travelling penis pumps have a chance of saving the honey bees.

Accepting the lack of truth — or the dismissal of any other societal yardstick — will set you free.  Religion and the seeking of a Higher Power, science and its demand for discovery and invention, civilization with its laws and mores, the need to procreate and generate a family unit, et cetera, et cetera; it’s all just the mental mechanics of dealing with the fact that we just can’t deal with the fact our own mortality.

I’m gonna die.

You’re gonna die.

We’re ALL gonna die.

And you know what?  There’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it!  Except for Walt Disney and his frozen head, of course; that fantasy-lovin’ motherfucker knew how to beat the odds.

But outside of the cryogenically enabled, we can’t stave off the evitable knock at the door from the Grim Reaper stopping by for tea.  So you might as well put the kettle on now, ’cause that scythe will fall all too soon.  And that, my friends, is why we’re all going crazy in this so-called “real world,” because we just can’t figure out why our death has to happen.  We’re nice people.  Why does it have to be this way?

Oh, goddamn it.  This started out as a nice little lecture on the wonders of Absurdism and now I’ve venture into Nihilism territory.  We’ve moved from trying to “figure it all out” being a waste of time to all of it — ALL OF IT — actually being a waste of time.

Now I’m depressed.

Get me the chocolate ice cream from the freezer and a spoon.

No, I don’t want a bowl.

Yes, I know it’s an entire gallon.  Back off; sharing is NOT on the menu.

Yes, I NEED all of the ice cream!  DON’T YOU KNOW I’M GONNA DIE SOMEDAY?!

Finally.  Thank you.

You really want to help?  Then shut the fuck up and get me the damn chocolate syrup.

Sad.  Just … sad.   And, strangely enough, completely absurd.  That’s the point, really.

In the world of the absurd, all institutions for coping with our ephemeral existence are unnecessary; useless, actually.

Why?

Because, in Absurdism, there is no comprehensible meaning to reality.  So, there is no comprehensible meaning to life.  Thus, death has no meaning either; it is rendered a surreal concept devoid of any significance or even personal consequence.

I find that embracing an absurdist approach quiets the mind.  It calms me down.  In a way, it makes sense of the nonsensical.  It explains how some people can view beheading other human beings as an acceptable form of protesting your opponent’s actions; how some can deny the future decimation of both planet and mankind in order to profit a few dollars more today; even how some folks can wear black knee-high socks with sandals and short pants.

It explains why even though Sally’s headlights clearly needed adjusting, this did not retard the lobster-tank inspector’s belligerent rant from hypnotizing the presidential motorcade chauffeurs into thinking it was “free condom night” at the gardenia exhibition.

 

© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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PLEASE STAND BY…

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A CLUSTERFUCK MEA CULPA
as confessed by Joe Buonfiglio

Okay, so in my social-media naiveté, I’ve been posting my “Potpourri of the Damned” blog updates on Fridays (sometimes even LATE in the day on Fridays).  My thought was that followers could get it on a Friday, and then read it at their leisure over the weekend.

My thought now is that I’m a moron.

Apparently, Mondays and FRIDAYS (particularly after 3pm on Friday) are the absolute fucking WORST times to release a blog-post if you are trying to build an audience.

With this in mind, I will now be releasing posts on Wednesdays.  My new Potpourri of the Damned post, “ABSURDISM 101,” will appear here on October 1st.  Until then, enjoy this teaser currently up on my Twitter page…

ABSURDISM 101: While Congress declared it ‘National Otter Pops Day,’ Sir Isaac Lime secretly handed a fat envelope to a congressional aide.”

“What the fuck?” you react mindlessly as if the homeless bag lady sporting the soiled newspaper-diaper sitting next to you in the subway car was actually sane enough to grasp your intent to express confusion.

Exactly, my friend.  Exactly.

Welcome to my absurd world….

(To delve deeper into my warped sense of reality in 140 characters or less, follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/JoeBuonfiglio)

© 2014 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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