SIDESHOW OF THE (Absurdly) DAMNED!

by Joe Buonfiglio

STEP RIGHT UP, ONE AND ALL. WELCOME TO UNCLE JOE’S CARNIVAL MIDWAY FREAK SHOW! Be astounded by all our delightfully horrific oddities and aberrations of God’s plan as they place before you the absurd and the bizarre for your amazement, your amusement and your bemusement by things most unnatural.

Behold and witness the wonder of the man who can make you cry (and bend forks) with the power of his ass.

See the toddler who can turn a potato into French fries with nothing more than his tantrums.

Witness the 500-pound woman who can shop a 24-hour Walmart donning nothing more than her inadequately sized undergarments soiled to the point of modern art.

Marvel at the orange man; able to dominate an entire country with nothing more than the sheer bellicosity of his narcissism.

Cringe at the soft-serve ice cream cone that can recite the entire Bible before melting into a puddle of its own sugary self-righteousness.

Be amazed by the pile of dog poo with its doctorate in advanced nanotechnology as it redefines the Theory of Relativity’s parameters all within the confines of city and county littering ordinances.

Explore the magnificence of the incredible shrinking newspaper industry.

Shiver to be in the presence of the snow cone of doom as it lays to waste the hope and promise of modern dentistry.

Quake at the sight of the House of Wax Condoms.

Laugh as the senior senators from each state fling their own feces at each other whilst riding seatless tricycles wearing nothing but diapers and “Make America Great Again” ball caps.

… and, of course, there is the obligatory dancing bear.

IT’S ALL FOR YOU HERE AT UNCLE JOE’S SIDESHOW OF THE (absurdly) DAMNED! All for the low cost of one Bitcoin bathed in the broken dreams of the forgotten man…

… and a day-old Dunkin’ jelly-filled.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

 

I CAN’T TOP THAT!

EVERY ABSURDIST HAS HIS LIMITS

by Joe Buonfiglio

Russian espionage and collusion. Deep State leaking. Sexual deviancy. Special Counsel. Nuclear saber-rattling. Violent protests. White supremacists and the Ku Klux Klan….

NAZIS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

All dancing in the Tiki torchlight with the freakin’ President of the United States?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

How the hell is a humble Literary Absurdist such as myself supposed to compete with that insanity, that level of absolute and all-consuming absurdity?

The answer is simple: I CAN’T! I just cannot. It isn’t possible. And so, I won’t even try. Until the denizens of these United States decide to jump off the Trump Train to Crazytown, I’m on sabbatical. Because when politicians and the “common man” start getting better at the meaningless and random nature of existence than the professional and practiced artisans in the field of the philosophically bizarre, it’s time to hang up one’s mantle of farcicality.

Yes, my compatriots in the realm of surreality, until that time when I can resume my place as an apprentice of the great Albert Camus and can once more embrace the absurd essence of the human condition in a manner befitting a practitioner of the existentially ludicrous, I leave you with this:

I’m afraid that’s all I can muster these days.

Besides.

Everybody loves The Stooges.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

 

The Earth is Flat (Like Your Head)

The Song of the
SCIENCE DENIER

by Joe Buonfiglio

As sad a commentary as it is for its people, the United States of America has clearly entered into the Age of the Science Denier. We no longer keep politics in the halls of government, keep God in the pews of church and allow science to guide us through the realities of the physical world. Those in power have not just pivoted away from our revered “separation of church and state,” but now impose the blurred line of the Church-State Theocratic Complex upon the fact-based laboratory of science in an attempt to bend it to the will of both God and lobbyist.

If the human race is to survive this onslaught of shortsighted, simple-minded idiocy, we must all fight back within our limited, but passionate capacity to do so. As I am a writer, my contribution to the cause is literary. So along with the brilliant musical composition, vocals and performance of Paul Austin Kelly, I humbly provided lyrics and Unintentional Martyrs™ was born. One of its best creations is the pro-science satire:

SCIENCE DENIER
by
Unintentional Martyrs™

 

Please explain what you had in mind

     When you said Global Warming ain’t real.

It seems you won’t be happy

     ’til Miami’s gone and our skins peel.

 

I guess what’s old is new again

     ’cause the Earth is flat’s what you said.

But it’s not our world that lacks curvature;

   The flat you sense is just your head.

 

Science denier, science denier;

     Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Science denier, science denier,

     Do you believe it’s all God’s will

Or did you just take a stupid pill?

 

Evolution is just a bad dream.

     There’s no way you’re a monkey’s son.

Darwin was just another jerk-off;

     Have those finches on the run.

 

Vaccines are of the Devil.

     They do more harm than good.

Then your kid came down with the German measles.

     Guess you somehow misunderstood.

 

Science denier, science denier;

     Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Science denier, science denier,

     Do you believe it’s all God’s will

Or did you just take a stupid pill?

 

You say dinosaurs walked our blue-green Earth

     Less than six thousand years ago.

And man saddled the beasts, rode them like tame horses

     At the Moses’ Dino Wild West Show.

 

Climate change just isn’t true;

     This is something of which you know.

It’s all only Liberal propaganda;

     Fox News done told you so.

 

You deny all the science.

     You drive bigger and bigger cars.

Thanks to you we must all leave the Earth,

     So now you can go fuck up Mars.

 

Science denier, science denier;

     Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Science denier, science denier,

     Do you believe it’s all God’s will

Or did you just take a stupid pill?

 

Science denier, science denier;

     Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Science denier, science denier,

     Do you believe it’s all God’s will?

 

Science denier, science denier….

Want to hear the song in its entirety? It’s on my YouTube page at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM9xbx5Qp4w

Or, just listen here:

 

Wait. You want to OWN the Science Denier song FOR ONLY 99¢? Well, looks as if this is your lucky day! You can buy this and all of the great Unintentional Martyrs™ songs here: https://bamazoo.com/unintentionallymartyredmusic

 

Lyrics © 2016 Unintentional Martyrs™ All Rights Reserved.
Music recording/performance 2016 Unintentional Martyrs™   All Rights Reserved.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos/videos are © 2017 Unintentional Martyrs™ with All Rights Reserved.

www.JoeBuonfiglio.com

A Day Without Absurdist Humor

One Man’s (Lame?) Attempt to Support Women
YOU GO, SISTERS!

by Joe Buonfiglio

At the time of this writing, it is International Women’s Day 2017. And in recognition of the coinciding strikes, walkouts, closings and Anti-Trump demonstrations labelled “A Day Without a Woman,” in solidarity with the sisters-in-womanhood protests here in America, I will be shutting down my Absurdist-humor literary efforts normally scheduled for release on Wednesdays. Thus, there will be no Potpourri of the Damned blog-post being released today or this week in an effort to show my support.

You know.

Other than this Potpourri of the Damned blog-post announcing that there will be no Potpourri of the Damned blog-post being … well … posted.

Wait.

Did I just inadvertently release an Absurdist-humor blog-post by announcing I would not be releasing an Absurdist-humor blog-post?

Damn.

Anyway, no more writing today.

Now, am I truly being socially conscious or just a lazy sack of shit? I guess that depends on which “fact vs. alternative fact” side of the political spectrum you call home. Either way, you go, sisters! Give ’em hell!

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

Remember the Unintentional Martyrs!

by Joe Buonfiglio

IT’S THE PERFECT GIFT!
(And Damned Inexpensive, Too!)

Didn’t quite finish the old underground survivalist’s prepper-bunker before Trump took office and now you have no idea how to ride out the impeding chaos of WWIII? Did you not give your sweetie a worthy Valentine’s Day gift, so the Apocalyptic onslaught of World War Three is the least of your problems?

NEVER FEAR!  Let me turn you on to some downloadable gifts that are fun, won’t break the bank and PERFECT for whiling away the mindless tedium of the endless desert of the post-Trumpian Era dystopia. It’s the music of UNINTENTIONAL MARTYRS™

With song titles such as Porn Pin Blues, Bad Words, Science Denier, Unintentional Martyrs (of course) and the Trumpian delight that started it all, Donny, Donny, Donny, you can delight in an entertaining way to fill the perpetual boredom of the Apocalyptic world (and remember what got us there in the first place).

Listen to them all (click on each song’s “WATCH TRAILER” at the site) and download for ONLY 99¢ each here:

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

Below are a couple samples from my YouTube Channel:

SCIENCE DENIER:

 

BAD WORDS:

 

Each song is under a buck, so what the fuck!

ENJOY!

© 2016-2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

All videos, music, lyrics and graphics on the UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™ site are © 2016 Unintentional Martyrs™ with All Rights Reserved.

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

Padded Room for One, Please

DONALD TRUMP AND HIS SUPPORTERS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY … LITERALLY!

by Joe Buonfiglio

It is with sincere regret that I must inform my friends, family and loved ones et al that I have officially crossed the line from being merely one who sounds as if a madman to an actual card-carrying member of the Padded Room Society … and Donald J. Trump is to blame!

Mostly.

I don’t know how it is that I could have let it get this far. I was always a Liberal-leaning moderate Independent; at least for most of the time since the 1980s when I was making my way through the world as a freelance journalist. Then American politics changed so dramatically, it thus rendered me unto the creature before you now, the foaming-at-the-mouth rabid Far Left insurrectionary banging away at his computer keyboard with literarily seditious intent. I have just lost all perspective; simply put, I have lost my mind. It has gone so far for me that I will no longer even entertain a wisp of a thought of momentarily considering the viewpoints of political adversaries; finding said perspectives so overwhelmingly repugnant. The rise of the racist, homophobic, misogynistic Alt-Right has me spending m kid’s college fund money in order to buy mass quantities of champagne to chill at the ready in the hopes that Trump’s ties to Russia are exposed and Putin has to launch his new “Really Smart Bomb” that only destroys the Trump Administration, the Tea Party, and the white supremacist Alt-Right Ultra-Conservatives, but leaves the rest of us alive to celebrate in a South Dakota that Liberals have turned into the world’s largest beer garden!

Yes, I know that’s a massive run-on sentence; fuck you. Lunatics tend to think in a stream of consciousness, so get used to it.

… or is that Theatre of the Absurd?

FUCK YOU!

See what I mean.

It wasn’t always like this. The fairly consistent sway of the political pendulum in the U.S. saw the governmental volleyball go back and forth between Democrats and Republicans in a manner that was a testament to the world’s most amazing form of self-governance. Americans would almost systematically grow their ire toward whatever party was in power as they gradually fucked things up over time, and then vote to give the other side the same opportunity to build and build and build their case until it fucked things up as well, and the pendulum would swing back again.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

It was a system of gauging comfort levels with incompetency and keeping a balance between Conservative and Liberal, Republican and Democrat that worked wonderfully for decade after decade, century after century.

And then three events occurred that went and fucked everything up, sending me — and America — down the path to madness:

FOX NEWS, CITIZENS UNITED v. FEC, and the election of DONALD J. TRUMP as President of the United States of America.

I’ll never forget the day I was finishing up a news story in the writers’ room of an independent newspaper in Tampa, Florida, when the publisher came in all excited about a conference he had just returned from on “The Future of Journalism.” Seems that the journalistic powers that be were all buzzing about what was then being termed “public journalism” or “advocacy journalism.” It was journalism with a point of view, journalism with a bias, the unholy meld of journalism and public relations … aka propaganda.

Some saw it as an opportunity to not just report, but make a difference. I saw it as the end of the press and its watchdog function. So, I immediately switched from investigative journalism to commentary, commentary to fiction, and ultimately from fiction to Absurdist-humor dark fiction. Because as the Republican-Right promotional machine known as Fox “News” burst onto the scene, it became obvious that the difference between news and entertainment would become negligible at best, so I may as well try to go where the money was.

Watching people gobble up Fox News as if it was “real” journalism, watching “real” news outlets being forced to do the same damn thing on whatever side of the political spectrum they now aligned in order to survive the Fox onslaught, and watching the press itself become an absolute reviled joke began my slide down the slippery slope of insanity. As the American people stopped wanting the press to protect them from abuse by the powerful and the corrupt, stopped wanting the press to inform them so that they could make critical decisions affecting their lives, and merely wanted the “news” to reinforce that which they already believed, I began to descend into madness.

Next, the United States Supreme Court sealed the fate of my mental instability with its decision in the Citizens United case. By the Court’s decision to toss out the ban on corporations making independent expenditures toward and financing the communications of elections, it signaled the death knell of American democracy. It made it so that corporations were to be considered “people, too,” but without any limits on the sums they could spend on elections. In essence, corporations and the billionaires that own them can buy elections. They could buy the country for their own, personal plaything. And somehow, SOMEHOW, the trailer park set and their working-poor comrades think this is a good thing for them.

What. The ever-lovin’. Fuck.

Now, the stage is set. Riding the Tea Party’s coattails, Mr. Donald J. Trump rallies his Army of the Angry Whites, leading the “whitelash” Charge of the White Brigade all the way into the Oval Office with the most hateful “Rise of the Fourth Reich” approach this country has ever seen. The more racist he is, the more they love him. The more homophobic and misogynistic he is, the more they cheer. The more he and his toady Steve Bannon step on the Constitution, the happier his Alt-Right Asylum erupts with glee. He and his All-American Axis of Evil will control all branches of government soon. And even though der Trumpenführer lost the election by nearly 3 million votes, the faulty Electoral College system gave him the White House where he and the no-integrity Republicans continue roll over the— GODDAMN FUCKING RACIST CON MAN BULLSHITTING FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, YOU PIG-FUCKING SONS A BITCH—

See what I mean? I’m totally off the rails. My trolley has not only slid off the tracks, it’s plummeting down the hillside in a fireball of horror.

There’s no turning back for me. So, just let me know when you’re all ready to start the revolution to overthrow tyranny; I’m sharpening my pitchfork as soon as I’ve finished posted this. See, it’s important to remember that in these times of—

Yes, doctor, I took my pills. No, I’m not hiding them under my tongue again. No. No, stop. STOP! NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaaaaaa….….

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos are © 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

TRUMP WINS!

UNFORTUNATELY, I CANNOT SAY THE SAME FOR AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.

damaged-democracy

by
Joe Buonfiglio

 Donald J. Trump is now the president-elect of the United States of America.

In the wee hours of the morning on November 9th, I repeated that shocking revelation to myself over and over and over again in mantra fashion with the sincere hope that my brain would grow overwhelmingly weary by the mundanely repetitive assault by what I had come to believe was adverse to common sense. The goal was to have my media-battered grey matter passively accept this as reality so that I could finally get to sleep.

Didn’t happen.

So I tried to take the “high road” — as the now embarrassingly humiliated-in-defeat Hillary Clinton was once so fond of saying — and blasted the following out to my various social-media platforms in an effort to show myself as the better person:

screenshot-2016-11-09-18-55-34

My point of self-righteous pride was to be accentuated by leaving all commentary at this classy doorstep.

End of story.

Just walk away now.

Leave it right where it aaaaaaaaand yup, that lasted for about three seconds; just too pissed off for it to take root.

The fact of the matter is that I admittedly became as angry and vitriolic as the people in the opposition’s camp I accused of, well, being angry and vitriolic. Now in my defense, I never punched or otherwise physically assaulted anyone from the opposition at a rally, as did those lovely “Basket of Deplorables” at cheering sessions for The Donald. But to be honest, under the right circumstances, I probably could have; I was certainly angry enough to do so.

And there’s the grope—er, rub.  See, Election 2016 had more far-reaching consequence the any nasty two-party race. It wasn’t just candidates who were getting the shit kicked out of them; it was American democracy itself.

We threw away a woman who, granted, had some email server fuckups, but was a First Lady, a US Senator and an acclaimed (at least before she decided to run for president) US Secretary of State. Instead, we elected a billionaire (as far as we know, since he refused to show his tax returns) playboy who is a KKK-endorsed racist, misogynistic to the point of sexual predation, homophobic, xenophobic, Putin-loving, completely unqualified for the job, narcissistic, bombastic buffoon. And, we did so with just about a 50-50 split— No, a 50-50 tear in the fabric of space-time to bring the core principals of American society to its knees.

We’re not just a “house divided”; we’re a house irreparably torn asunder. Now, of course, we’ve been here before … sort of.

Kind of.

Well no, not really. See, the difference is the president-elect himself: Donald J. Trump. A self-described admirer and student of Mussolini, as well as a big fan of current Russian president and strongman Vladimir Putin, Trump’s authoritarian-inclined policies and approaches cooked in the caldron of his reality-show narcissism and desperate need for adoration are frightening.

Why?

MY PREDICTION: When Trump’s loyal followers realize that he cannot deliver on his promises, their adulation will turn to anger. Trump’s narcissistic ego will not be able to handle this, causing him to manufacture a major crisis that demands he be given unprecedented powers. These will be granted to him by the Republican-controlled Congress backed by the newly appointed Conservative Supreme Court.

And that, my friends, is how a Fascist dictator is born.

This has not been a simple struggle of one party over another, Conservatives over Progressives; this is a fight for American democracy itself. We Americans have always fought against Fascism. Just because the fascists will now not be outside of our borders, but within, changes nothing.

Think that’s over the top? Think I’m just being inflammatory?

We’ll see.

So until I’m either proven right or wrong about Great Leader Trump, let me leave you with this thought:

We tell our kids don’t be a racist. We tell our kids don’t treat women with disrespect. We tell our kids to treat the disabled with dignity. We tell our kids don’t be a bully.

What the hell do we tell them now?

Go ahead. Ignore all that bullshit and you might become president.

Find a Resistance group. Join it.

Now.

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

*Sin título-1.twitter-button.youtubelogo-20120605T021741-6mjjuus*googleplus-logos-02*

TWUMPS!

Twitter-Induced Trumpian Political Commentary

twump

by
Joe Buonfiglio

As the idiomatic curtain begins to fall on the presidential campaigns for 2016 — the act of which may finally prove the existence of a loving God — I’d like to offer up some Trump-inspired delights delivered unto the Twitterverse through the Absurdist filter of my admittedly warped grey matter. While these tweets reflect the political-campaign mayhem over an extended period of time, it is my intent this will only help you properly reminisce via the nightmarish memories you’ve suppressed deep, DEEP, DEEP down about this year’s incredibly classy and utterly civil presidential campaign season.

With this in mind, I hope you enjoy my TWUMPS!

No, not a $20 dollar bag of dope! I mean THIS….

*******

What is it that really scares the hell out of me?

Things that go Trump in the night.

*******

FBI: Hillary eats live babies while she’s naked on The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland.

ME: STILL better than the gropin’ racist A-hole!

*******

“I love her for her intelligence and her strong sense of self.”

*Things you should never hold your breath waiting for Trump to say.*

*******

I just awoke from a nap where I dreamt Donald Trump was the US president. Actually, it– How did this wall get built around my genitalia?

*******

If I win tonight’s $1.5 billion Powerball lottery, I’m going to sue Donald Trump just for the fun of it. Hey, what’s good for the goose…

*******

The Republican debate just started. It’s better than tickets to the circus… although, the circus has far less elephant shit.

*******

I just saw “DONALD TRUMP: Night of the Living Hair.” It’s the scariest horror ever! The Muslim jump-scare scene made me piss myself.

*******

ME: “There’s nothing in the Trump of my car, officer. Why? Is there a problem?”

COP: “We’ve gotten reports that he’s– What did you say?!”

*******

Pope Francis on Donald Trump: Building walls instead of bridges is “not Christian.” How pissed do you think God gets if you sue the Pope?

*******

Generally speaking about nobody specific, can you develop and run a casino-resort and not be in bed with the mob? I’m asking for a friend.

*******

I’m amazed at how Christian “believers” devotedly follow Donald Trump. In my opinion, the guy PERFECTLY fits the profile of the Antichrist.

*******

So, here’s what I’ve learned from the American system of political debates…

*******

Build a wall across the South? We should build a quarantine wall around the whole country, because we Americans have lost our fucking minds.

*******

You know why Trump has to do a combover? So news cameras can’t see the 666.

Okay, please don’t sue me, I’m– aaand I’m being served papers.

*******

Dragging my ass. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of the GOP debate and the big question:

Did Ted Cruz eat a booger on live television?

*******

There is only one reason why I’d want Trump to become the next US president.

I own one of these still in the box:

trump-in-a-box

*******

Voting today feels as if shopping at a secondhand store and deciding which cuckoo clock I want to live in for 4-8 years.

*******

ME: “I’ve decided to buy a gun to protect us from all the NRA gun nuts.”

HER: “Okay…. … … Wait. What?”

*******

Donald Trump running for president is all just an April Fools’ joke, right?

Oh, thank God. For a minute there, I–

What?

SON OF A BITCH!

*******

Trump and what he represents scare the hell out of me, but not because he isn’t in touch with the American people…

…but because he is.

*******

Interesting point: My worst-performing tweets mention Donald Trump or anal.

Coincidence?

Oh, I think not, my little friend. I think not.

*******

Conservatives: You do know gay folks won’t show up at your church naked and screw on your altar, right?

Except Bob and Gary.

Total freaks.

*******

What would Jesus do?

Well, move out of North Carolina for a start.

*******

Muslims?

No, I think we should keep billionaires out of the country until we can find out “what’s going on.”

*******

Why such controversy over Trump University? Students were promised they’d learn to be more like Donald Trump.

They certainly learned that.

*******

I’m sorry for all of the Trump jokes I’ve been tweeting lately. I just couldn’t help myself.

I never could resist low-hanging fruit.

*******

Every time Donald Trump says “Believe me” and it makes your skin crawl, do a shot of top-shelf tequila.

I’ve been drunk for months now.

*******

Just listened to Donald Trump speaking in NC.

Is it just me, or does he sound like Willy Wonka after an LSD binge.

*******

Listening to Trump speak at a rally in Ohio.

Sorry, folks, but I want my president’s vocabulary to be more expansive than a 3rd grader’s.

*******

If white guy after white guy got killed by black cops in the same way, would Fox News still say the videos don’t tell the whole story.

*******

NEWS ANCHOR: “How do you respond to the accusation that you speak on the level of a 5-year-old child?”

DONALD TRUMP: “I poopied.”

*******

When they say they’re tired of the “elites” running things, are they talking about … smart people?

So, they want dumbasses in charge?

*******

So, you believe if we give massive tax breaks to the ultra-wealthy, they won’t just pocket the money, but it will “trickle down” to … you?

*******

For a couple of homophobes, this is the gayest logo I’ve ever seen…

–AND–

Sure they’re both raging homophobes, but this logo makes me realize this ticket will put Trump on top.

original-t-p-logo

*******

I don’t understand why everyone is so surprised that Melania plagiarized Michelle. The Donald plagiarized Mussolini, for Christ’s sake!

*******

Twenty bucks if you go into the convention wearing a “Black Lives Matter” T-shirt and spark up a nice, fat blunt in front of Rudy Giuliani.

*******

I’m convinced God created Donald Trump simply because He wanted Johnny Depp to have a character to play later in life.

*******

Uh, maybe Trump ending his acceptance speech with “LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!” was a little over the top.

*******

“Open carry,” because it’s what Jesus would have wanted.

*******

“Great Leader” Trump is an authoritarian seeking to manipulate the masses by inflaming raw emotion.

Now where in history have we seen that?

*******

I LOVE Mexican food. But after that all-you-can-eat taco bar, I just took the biggest Trump of my life.

Typo?

What typo?

*******

How political currency works: one pence = two trumps, but one pence and one trump = two assholes. Two assholes = one Republican ticket.

*******

How will I get through the Democrats’ convention? Every time the Bernie supporters boo Hillary, I do a shot.

I’ve been drunk since noon.

*******

“I’m an energy voter.”

“Fuck you.”

“But I’m an en–”

“No, go fuck yourself. Shove your frack up your crack.”

“I–”

“Frack. Your crack.”

*******

Bill Clinton gave a great speech last night. I just wish Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” didn’t play in my mind’s ear whenever I see him.

*******

Turns out Trump is a relative of mine. He’s my Auntie Christ.

*******

Jesus, can we just vote now?! By November, news reporters will be getting the “But he was quiet; kept to himself” speech from my neighbors.

*******

Those of us who live in the South aren’t all racist, homophobic, gun-nut pieces of shit.

Granted, some of us are.

Okay, a LOT of us are.

*******

Okay, all you political naysayers dissing the current state of presidential campaigning in America, here’s something good…

I got nuthin’.

*******

Trump is so far behind Clinton, is there still a path to the White House for him?

Of course! He’ll just stay on the sociopath he’s been on.

*******

Trump’s big last-ditch outreach to African-American voters is, “What have you got to lose?”

Seriously?

Uh, try “a fuckload.”

*******

What do Trump and an illegal immigrant have in common?

They’re both different people depending on what side of Mexico’s border they’re on.

*******

I’m not buying Gary Johnson’s excuse that he thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

*******

It’s as if Giuliani is Gollum and Trump is “My precious!”

*******

America is “a house divided.” Each half thinks the other half are assholes.

We must come together and accept that we are all assholes.

*******

If the karmic forces of the universe want to reveal their existence to humankind, Donald Trump must be run over by a Cheetos delivery truck.

*******

A debate between Trump and Clinton will do a lot to change people’s minds and sway voters.

And by “a lot” I mean “absolutely nothing.”

*******

DEBATE STANDARDS:

If Clinton is highly professional and cures cancer, she wins.

If Trump acts human and doesn’t drop the N-word, he wins.

*******

Trump’s naked twerk was the highlight of the debate.

Although Clinton’s coming in like a wrecking ball was highly entertaining, too.

*******

The Trump-Clinton presidential debate last night was as if witnessing a crab pissed off about being boiled argue with an overly oiled robot.

*******

Lead post-debate story on Fox News: “Hillary forced to admit Trump was able to hold that big glass of water with those tiny, tiny hands.”

*******

Okay, new disclaimer for politics in America:

“Seek help for an election lasting more than 4 hours.”

*******

If the citizenry of this country still supports Donald Trump in any significant way after P-gate, perhaps he is the president we deserve.

*******

How can my wilted salad solve the problem if it can’t even say the words “radical balsamic terror”?

*******

I just bought my costume for Hallowee– AH! AAAAAAH! IT BURNS! BURNS! DON’T BUY THE DONALD TRUMP MASK! IT WON’T COME OFF! IT WON’T COME OFF!

*******

If Hillary Clinton said, “I can grab them by their dicks,” you think the Basket of Deplorables would say, “Oh, it’s just locker room talk.”

*******

Will somebody PLEASE invent time travel already, so we can transport ourselves to November 9th.

Doctor Who be real Doctor Who be real….

*******

I agree with Trump 100% on this one; for the sake of the country, his supporters absolutely must get out and vote for him on November 28th.

*******

Donald Trump wants to be president only because the position of God wasn’t open.

*******

How can so many Americans still support Trump?

Paraphrasing Alfred in the The Dark Knight, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.”

*******

Don’t tweet about Trump today. Don’t tweet about Trump today. Don’t twee– TRUMP’S A DEPLORABLE RACIST HOMOPHOBIC SEXUAL PREDATOR!

Damn.

*******

The only thing truly impacted by this election is my colon.

No, seriously, I need a ride to the emergency room.

*******

I want to take a moment to talk about all the important world events cable news covered besides US politics.

There was– no.

So– no.

Uh.

*******

I’d call Donald Trump a pig, but I have too much respect for pigs, relatively speaking.

More bacon?

*******

White shirts? Trump would look better in a brown shirt, no?

Custom fit, of course.

And made in China, because, you know, “good business.”

*******

Try to get into someone’s pants by taking them furniture shopping?

I gotta admit, Donny, it’s different.

Still deplorable, but different.

*******

To my mind, there are only two possible explanations for Donald Trump: raging narcissism or demon possession.

*******

And finally, this tweet, because some things just aren’t remotely funny:

If I lose, the election is rigged?

Seriously?

Trump isn’t just being a big baby with this; he’s a threat to American democracy itself.

_________

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© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

“Trump-in-a-Box” photo © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

TWUMPS™ and TWUMPS!™

Now P-Gate™?! Time to Download “DONNY, DONNY, DONNY!” for FREE!

Donny Revisited Art

by Joe Buonfiglio

You say you can’t stand Donald Trump and his “Basket of Deplorables”?  Was P-gate™ the last straw for you?  But with all that, you STILL have not heard the song Donny, Donny, Donny! by Unintentional Martyrs™?

Well, here’s your chance to listen.  Hell, I’ll even let you download it for FREE and share it with your likeminded friends and family.  (Free download ends at midnight EST November 15, 2016.)

Here’s the song:

 

(Free download ends at midnight EST November 15, 2016.)

Did you enjoy DONNY, DONNY, DONNY!?  Like that Unintentional Martyrs™ sound? Well, you’re in luck! You can get more Unintentional Martyrs™ songs — Science Denier, Porn Pin Blues, Unintentional Martyrs and Bad Words — for ONLY 99¢ a download! It’s all found at the UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™ site. Follow the link below….

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

Need something a little more visual for DONNY, DONNY, DONNY!? Well, my good but wayward soul, languish no more in your wretched state of anti-Trumpian woe and enjoy the music-video versions (one with lyrics and one without)….

Want to know what those lyrics say? You’re in luck! Here’s the version with the lyrics included.

TRUMP MUST BE STOPPED.  HE CAN NEVER BE ALLOWED TO SIT IN THE BIG CHAIR BEHIND THE DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE!  YOUR VOTE MATTERS!

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

*******

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© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio All Rights Reserved.

All videos, music, lyrics and graphics are © 2016 Unintentional Martyrs™ with All Rights Reserved.

THE SATISFYINGLY SIGNIFICANT SUPER STUPENDOUS STUNNINGLY SANCTIMONIOUS VP DEBATE!

vice-presidential-debate-winners-losers

by Joe Buonfiglio

KAINE!

PENCE!

BRACE FOR IMPACT!!!

So, did you bear witness to the big VP debate? It was so incredibly important; I’m going to dedicate this week’s entire blog-post to it.

Now, when I think about the current candidates for vice president and their respective positions, I ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz………….

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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