THIS IS A TEST!

This is Only a Test

by Joe Buonfiglio

This is a test of the EMERGENCY BLOGCAST SYSTEM. This is only a test. Had this been an actual literary-absurdist emergency, you would have been directed to your nearest alternative-reality fallout shelter for cosmetic surgery to enable advanced melatonin levels in your genitalia.

Reality? Reality adjacent?

Not even close.

Look at this as sort of an experiment in the philosophical realm driven by the author’s punishing insecurity. Given this…

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Likewise, as a variation on a theme for this philosophic conundrum…

If a blog is written and no one is around to read it, was it ever posted?

Sure, Friedrich Nietzsche declared, “God is dead,” as did the cover of Time magazine query about the matter in 1966. But as philosophy and theology bang heads over the state of God’s health, the same dispute must be applied to the epicenter of the digital literati:

Is the blog… DEAD?

And if not the collective “blog” and those toiling away in the blogosphere, then what about that which you now read… or don’t (as the fallen tree might observe)? Has this blog, my child so aptly named Potpourri of the Damned, simply run its course? Have I gotten too weird for some of you, perhaps too political for others?

Am I only doing this for myself at this point? That possibility is a rather chilling prospect, I must admit.

I have a decent number of subscribers, but there are rarely any comments submitted by them. Is that natural? After all, I’m not a celebrity and you’re all busy people. I do sometimes wonder if you all follow me and this strange little blogtastic machine out of not sincere interest, but some warped sense of politeness? Although, in the modern age of social media, even the casual observer can see that doesn’t make much sense. Hell, do you even read the thing?

Is there anybody out there?

Perhaps that is an answer I’d rather not know, eh?

So, until next week’s post, PLEASE STAND BY….

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

 

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG

Top Ten Absurdist Reasons Why Nobody Cares About Your Blog
(or Mine)
(Which You are Currently Reading)
(So, That’s Kind of Absurd in and of Itself Right There)

by Joe Buonfiglio

Nobody cares about your blog … or mine. Unless you’re already a celebrity or at least celebrity adjacent, it’s absurd to continue to pound away on your wireless keyboard pretending that anyone other than close friends and family gives a shit about your most recent blog piece.

And BREAKING NEWS: They really don’t give a shit either. They just don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Even though it is SO painfully absurd to continue our vainglorious attempt to make a mark in the blogosphere, I’m okay with that because … well … I’M AN ABSURDIST!

I actually revel in the chaotically futile. Mindlessly blogging is simply a natural extension of all that. So with a loose hold on anything resembling reality, here are my…

Top Ten ABSURDIST Reasons Why Nobody Cares About Your Blog (or Mine)

#10: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE pepper-spraying camels is not an indication of evolutionary superiority.

#9: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE melted cheddar has not and will never cure male-pattern baldness.

#8: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE even though Ford’s Model T did come in red, the color black was preferred by viper trainers throughout Canada.

#7: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE Ponce de León couldn’t find Mrs. de León’s G-spot if his life depended on it.

#6: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE free trade shouldn’t be a matter of cucumber girth.

#5: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE the literary arts no longer take into account that pillaging is a forgotten craft.

#4: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE the Center for Disease Control is completely ambivalent in all matters concerning buttered-popcorn flavored jellybeans.

#3: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE the zipper is down on society’s collective pants.

#2: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG, BECAUSE springtime Frappuccinos should flow freely from a Panda’s ass, not be imprisoned until transactional payment is rendered unto the Starbucks Corporation. (refer to Starbucks vs. a Panda’s Ass, Third Circuit Court of Appeals circa 1864 following Brown vs. the Zookeeper’s Fantasy)

AND THE #1 REASON NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG: The ghost of Richard Nixon tickles President Trump’s balls from the moment he falls asleep in the Lincoln bedroom!

So blog away, my fellow Absurdists; blog away as if no one is watching … because no one is.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos are © 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

SOMETHING (DELIGHTFULLY STRANGE) THIS WAY COMES….

SOMETHING ABSURDLY WONDERFUL.

SOMETHING WONDERFULLY ABSURD.

 

In the coming months, JoeBuonfiglio.com (AKA LiteraryAbsurdist.com) will undergo an absurdly wonderful and wonderfully absurd transformation.  Keep checking back to get in on all the preposterous amusement … and probably more than a little bemusement.

PLEASE STAND BY….

— Joe Buonfiglio

Remember the Unintentional Martyrs!

by Joe Buonfiglio

IT’S THE PERFECT GIFT!
(And Damned Inexpensive, Too!)

Didn’t quite finish the old underground survivalist’s prepper-bunker before Trump took office and now you have no idea how to ride out the impeding chaos of WWIII? Did you not give your sweetie a worthy Valentine’s Day gift, so the Apocalyptic onslaught of World War Three is the least of your problems?

NEVER FEAR!  Let me turn you on to some downloadable gifts that are fun, won’t break the bank and PERFECT for whiling away the mindless tedium of the endless desert of the post-Trumpian Era dystopia. It’s the music of UNINTENTIONAL MARTYRS™

With song titles such as Porn Pin Blues, Bad Words, Science Denier, Unintentional Martyrs (of course) and the Trumpian delight that started it all, Donny, Donny, Donny, you can delight in an entertaining way to fill the perpetual boredom of the Apocalyptic world (and remember what got us there in the first place).

Listen to them all (click on each song’s “WATCH TRAILER” at the site) and download for ONLY 99¢ each here:

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

Below are a couple samples from my YouTube Channel:

SCIENCE DENIER:

 

BAD WORDS:

 

Each song is under a buck, so what the fuck!

ENJOY!

© 2016-2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

All videos, music, lyrics and graphics on the UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™ site are © 2016 Unintentional Martyrs™ with All Rights Reserved.

UNINTENTIONALLY MARTYRED MUSIC™

JOEKU #2

Haiku with an Absurdist Twist

JOEKU #2: “Tricky Dick is Laughing”

by Joe Buonfiglio

Looking for Haiku with an Absurdist kick?  Welcome to “Joeku™.”  Episode #2, “Tricky Dick is Laughing,” features der Trumpenführer, so … … … enjoy?

 © 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All videos are © 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

TIT Relief is Here!

DID THE “T-WORD” CAUSE YOUR “C-WORD”?
HELP IS NEAR!

by Joe Buonfiglio

Do you suffer from TIT syndrome? Have you found that since Donald Trump was elected President of the United States, you inexplicably blurt out an expletive every time you see his face on TV, in print media, social media and in other online media outlets? Has it gotten to the point where your once-abhorred exemplification of verbal vulgarity now uncontrollably reveals itself whenever you become the slightest bit angry or frustrated?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. For me, it is the “C-word” that launches across my lips without warning or, at this point, even the stimulus of that ridiculous presidential comb-over even being in view. I, and many other Independents, Democrats and Liberals, suffer from the same malady brought on by CUNT!

Sorry.

… suffer from the same malady brought on by the focus of our Trumpian nightmare.  This is why I have started my new charitable foundation, CUNT!

I am so, so sorry.

… This is why I have started my new charitable foundation, Trump-Induced Tourette’s Relief.

For your simple donation of one CUNT!

For your simple donation of one CUNT! TWAT!

For your simple donation of one CUNT! TWAT! CRAB-FUCKER!

Oh, goddamn it.

For your simple donation of one-billion dollars, you can help a needy Progressive overcome this debilitating WHITE SUPREMACIST SHIT-KICKIN’ CRACKER SON OF A BITCH!

Sigh.

For your simple donation of one-billion dollars, you can help a needy Progressive overcome this debilitating disease by joining this great nation’s proud club of one-percenters that poor out-of-work white folks think — for some inexplicable reason — are going to sacrifice their own self-interests in order to help them.

So, won’t you please give generously today and show you FUCKING CON MAN PIECE OF ORGANGUTAN SCROTUM!

… show you care. Because, the TITS!

LIFE! Because the life you FUCK!

SAVE! The life you SAVE! Because, the life you save may be your oSHIT TINSEL!

Shit tinsel?

For the love of God, please give today.

 

© 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos are © 2017 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

Something Absurd This Way Comes…

Something wonderfully absurd is coming….
… Something absurdly wonderful!

copyright-2016-joseph-p-buonfiglio-t1

from the mind of Joe Buonfiglio

In the coming months, JoeBuonfiglio.com (AKA LiteraryAbsurdist.com) will undergo a bizarre transformation from its currently simplistic little pupa of a website into the darkly humorous absurd butterfly it deserves to be. So don’t miss any of the delightfully weird splendor to come…

SUBSCRIBE NOW!

Go to the subscription-sidebar on this page or click on the “Follow Joe” button down in the corner and you won’t miss a second of my Bizarro Blast that’s inching its way toward this website’s reality as you read this.

See you soon!

No, really. I’m outside your bedroom window with a cellphone camera, a box of wine and some Twinkies right now.

THE END IS NEAR!
(But the beginning is nearer.)

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.
All photos are © 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio with All Rights Reserved.

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WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING…

You Don’t Want to Know the Things I Do While You Slumber at Night

Night scene 2

by Joe Buonfiglio

I am an incurable insomniac; of this, there is no escape. Don’t try to offer me your “day walker’s” solution to my problem, for I’ve heard it all before. No amount of booze or warm milk or exercise or meds seem to be able to deliver on the promise of a decent eight hours for me. So while you get your beauty sleep to prepare for a productive tomorrow, here’s some of the stuff I’ll be doing tonight:

I will see how many doughnuts I can shove onto the dog’s tail before he wakes up all pissed off and chases the sugary goodness until he looks as if one of those spin-art machines along the carnival midway.

And yes, before you think to ask, I will still eat the doughnuts after the dog collapses to the floor in frustration.

NO, NOT THE ONE CLOSEST TO HIS ASS! Don’t be gross!

Okay, the top half of that one; BUT JUST THE TOP HALF! I’m not an animal.

Then, I’ll search the TV’s guide trying to find the Penguin Porn channel. While I’ve written NatGeo for years, they still have not come through for me on this one.

Oh well.

One’s quest must continue undaunted by provisional disappointment.

I will follow this up by embracing my nocturnal opportunity and, unnoticed by family or polite society, attempt to obtain an accurate measure of the length of my butt-hair.

After you get over your immediate repulsion at the mere suggestion of this arduous task and allow your more inquisitive nature to override the fact that you just vomited ever so slightly into your mouth, the answer is yes; it can actually be done.

Should it be done?

That’s between you and your God.

Next up is “breakfast cereal buffet” time. All the boxes of innumerable varieties of cereal — of varying degrees of staleness and diverse heights of product — are unceremoniously yanked out of my pantry to all come together on the coffee table between the living room couch and the TV in a late-night smorgasbord of carbohydrate-n-high-fructose delight.

Diabetes, start your engines.

And finally, just as the dawn of a new day imposes itself on me and shines a spotlight upon my apparent pursuit of ill-health and utter exhaustion, I will down a mop bucket’s worth of leftover ten-alarm chili, step out onto the driveway with my battery-operated high-powered professional bullhorn-megaphone, drop trou and with an electronically enhanced flutter-blast of unsavory flatulence, herald the rising sun whilst also mocking the whole neighborhood with my auditory display of disdain.

Another night of torment survived. Another day of walking the Earth as if a zombie from a George Romero movie begins….

 

© 2016 Joseph P. Buonfiglio     All Rights Reserved.

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